I Do

(A journal entry from June 2002 -- shortly before my marriage to Henry on June 30th. I think I intended to say these things to him as wedding vows.)

When you answered my personal ad three years ago, I had no idea that our first (of many) "Henry and Carrie" adventures had just begun.

I like to tell people that you are the reality of my dreams.

Through all the hurt and disappointment in my life I held on to the dream of you.

There were times I settled, made wrong choices or was led to believe I had found you. When, in reality, I wasn't ready for you. Instead, my mistakes gave me a chance to grow and change and prepare for the day we found each other.

I knew you were out there, I knew you were looking for me and I believed.

We stand here now, holding hands, and I know I am right where I have always belonged.

You are the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend and my lover.

You are my strength, my voice and my quiet.

With you, my heart will always be full, my ideas and opinions respected and I will always be loved.

I promise to love, honor and respect you.

I promise to keep your heart full.

I promise to always love you.

Two Sides

(An undated journal after the death of my Grandmother and prior to our June 30, 2002 wedding.)

Two sides to me: grief and joy.

Balancing the two is proving to be very difficult.

My energy is zapped and I want to hide.

I am overjoyed at the thought of marrying the man I love more than life -- the man created just for me.

I am hurting so deep over the loss of my Grandmother.

I don't know how to grieve without losing total control.

Hey! I have been here before.

How did I manage then?

Oh, wait...there was no joy, only grief.

There was only darkness and hospitals and pain to the bottom of my soul.

Grieving Grandmother

(A journal entry dated June 18, 2002 -- just a few days after her death.)

My world doesn't turn as slowly as it once did.

Time has quickened and the days connect in a blur.

The pain of losing you runs deep and I am not able to grasp the reality of your death.

The endless moments I spent with you as your book came to a close are moments I will cherish for the rest of my life.

The endless moments ended but I'm at peace because I was able to tell you all the things I held in my heart.

I was able to tell you how blessed I have been to be your tenth granddaughter and that your strength and warmth have made a distinct difference in my life.

Holding your hand, hearing you softly breathe, feeling you reach for me in the night filled my heart with joy and made me appreciate your life and all you mean to so many people.

You are loved, I am blessed, you are missed.