ThisClose

On June 5th my oldest son graduated from high school. The feeling I had when they handed him his diploma is indescribable. It feels like his life thus far passed in the blink of an eye. On the hour + ride home from the ceremony I cried at the thought of having come ThisClose to missing out on one of the most important days in a child's life -- graduating from high school.

I've written before about the overwhelming guilt I feel for hurting Henry and my boys by coming ThisClose to being completely swallowed by a black hole that came ThisClose to becoming my grave. I am having great difficulty accepting the fact that I cannot undo the hurt and make things right. There is no band-aid big enough to cover the wounds or enough words in the English language to apologize for the mistakes I have made. Oh, and there have been many.

A few of the mistakes I made led me to this moment, blissfully married to the love of my life, and the blessed mother of four boys and a stepson.

Even Alexander's premature passing through my body and my life had a reason. For a couple of years I was so busy searching for answers that I didn't see the reason for his being staring me in the face.

I look into the faces of my husband and my kids and I know I am right where I was always meant to be.

Air Force Mom

At 12:30 PM EST I officially became the mother of an Airman (Air Force). I am proud and nervous all at the same time.

Stop the emotional roller-coaster, I want to get off!

More Tears!

Saturday my husband, my oldest son and I were cruising in my new Jeep with all the tops off. My husband was controlling the iPod and before he played a particular song he turned to my son, shook his hand and said "this is for you, it's your time to take up the gauntlet". It was Toby Keith's "American Soldier". I started to cry. I cried because of how proud I am of Matthew and I cried because I'll be letting my son go to begin his life on his terms.

I cried again last night, wrapped up in my husbands arms as I apologized to him for hurting him the way I did when I tried to o.d. in 2004.

I have cried more in the past month than I have in the last two years and it feels good.