Thanks to my VNS device my life has become a series of stops and starts. Every five minutes, for thirty seconds, the device gives me a lump in my throat as big as a baseball. There is always a little lumpy warning before it kicks into gear. Most of the time it cycles by unnoticed but if I'm sitting still, like now, I feel it. Like the drugs I take, it is a constant reminder of the chemicals my brain does not produce.
Since activation on January 22nd, my sleep is consistently better because it's deeper. I still wake during the night but have little trouble falling back to sleep. When I wake in the morning I wonder if today will be the day I am lifted from the black hole I have been drowning in for the majority of my life. Will I know it when it happens? I'm not sure.
As I gather my nightly cocktail of meds I tell my husband that he is married to a legal drug addict. I tell my coworkers I have a drug dealer. Thanks to VNS I now also have a stimulator. :-) Every two weeks I am stimulated. It makes it sound much sexier than it is.
Unfortunately, stimulation consists of holding a paddle shaped device to my chest with a cord connected to a Palm Pilot type device. With a tap or two on the screen the amps are adjusted and a second after that I feel a tingle on the back of my tongue followed by a constricting lump in my throat. Thirty seconds later the stimulation stops. And I wasn't even kissed. *sigh*
I really, really, really want to wake up one morning without the blackness around my brain. I want the change to take place over night so I have a brand new day to dance through. I want to give up my drug dealer once and for all without the worry that I will slip into the blackness once again.
I want to stop living with the annoying side effects of the colorful drug cocktail I slide down my throat every.single.day.of.my.life. Have you seen my libido? I want it back. Like YESTERDAY.
Since activation on January 22nd, my sleep is consistently better because it's deeper. I still wake during the night but have little trouble falling back to sleep. When I wake in the morning I wonder if today will be the day I am lifted from the black hole I have been drowning in for the majority of my life. Will I know it when it happens? I'm not sure.
As I gather my nightly cocktail of meds I tell my husband that he is married to a legal drug addict. I tell my coworkers I have a drug dealer. Thanks to VNS I now also have a stimulator. :-) Every two weeks I am stimulated. It makes it sound much sexier than it is.
Unfortunately, stimulation consists of holding a paddle shaped device to my chest with a cord connected to a Palm Pilot type device. With a tap or two on the screen the amps are adjusted and a second after that I feel a tingle on the back of my tongue followed by a constricting lump in my throat. Thirty seconds later the stimulation stops. And I wasn't even kissed. *sigh*
I really, really, really want to wake up one morning without the blackness around my brain. I want the change to take place over night so I have a brand new day to dance through. I want to give up my drug dealer once and for all without the worry that I will slip into the blackness once again.
I want to stop living with the annoying side effects of the colorful drug cocktail I slide down my throat every.single.day.of.my.life. Have you seen my libido? I want it back. Like YESTERDAY.
1 comment:
Dear Carrie...I wish for you all the things you wish for yourself chica. ;)
Your strength and courage are inspiring - and five sons? Wow. I've been reading your posts and getting a bit of history. You've touched my heart.
I thank you for stopping by my place...
Ciao bella...take care.
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