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Storms

It's a little after 5:30 pm and I'm sitting on the front porch of the house where my apartment is located. The sky is confused. There is blue skies to the east and dark clouds to the west and a brisk wind to blow everything about.

I have tried so hard to keep myself together, yet, like the sky tonight, I am full of darkness (mostly) and light (very little). I feel the darkness pulling me down and I'm not sure how long I have until I just can't fight the demons anymore.

For years I have struggled to have a relationship with each of my sons and I have finally given up . I can no longer take the animosity from Connor, and Hunter wants nothing at all to do with me. Then there's Matthew. 

Matthew.

My first born.

Words fail to pinpoint everything I feel right now when I think of Matthew. I am both deeply disappointed and proud of all the things he did right.  I am nail-spitting angry and compassionate.  I love him with all my heart and despise him in the same breath.  The urge to punch him in the face and hold him in my arms are equally as fierce. I'm ashamed of him.

Matthew has turned into the type of person I have hated all my life: a child molester. I have always believed child molesters should be shot on site. No questions asked.

Then my son became one.

He molested HIS OWN CHILD.

He molested MY GRANDSON.

Of course I blame myself for all of it. I'm the one who split up our family. I'm the one making poor decisions, being selfish and self centered. I put my needs above all others. I had no right to do that.

Now I am a mother who has no kids. I can easily disappear into the abyss and they wouldn't even know it. Ha! Then again, I've never been very present in their lives anyway.

I have so many letters to write, to say my piece. None of which will matter to any of them because by the time they receive them, they probably won't bother to read them anyway, I will be gone.

Poof!

Unhappiness covers me like a wet blanket and the weight of all my mistakes, regrets and bad decisions has me bolted to the floor. There is no goodness or happiness left in me because I gave it all away to people who would not - or could not - or couldn't care less - to give it back in kind.

I loved only one man, with everything I had and, I can only hope, he loved me even a little bit in return. I will never know. It certainly felt as if he did and I will hold onto that sliver of sunshine until I am no more.

There will be no pieces to pick up, no memories, photographs or journals left behind for anyone to look through to try to figure out who I was, what really mattered to me, or all the hopes and dreams I held onto for so long just waiting to share it with someone. Anyone.

There will be nothing to fight over. No bequeaths, no instructions; nothing.

Only a letter addressed to each person I loved in the life that I lived, even if they never loved me in return.

The storm continues to rage...

Status Quo

For two years nine months and a handful of days I have been whining about how I never EVER wanted to come back to this Hell I grew up around/in and groaning loudly how it is sucking the life and soul out of me.

Well, my give a fuck is broken. Scratch that. My give a fuck has been decimated.

The knot in my stomach has grown so large that I'm having chest pains, my blood pressure is hovering at the high end of normal, my hair is falling out and I have GERD so bad that I want to rip my fucking throat out with my bare hands.

Mmmmkay?

What makes it even worse is watching my dad struggle with his health, dealing with my son going to prison for 9 1/2 years, and missing someone so much that I want to give myself a lobotomy to make everything go away.

On my best day I am barely keeping my shit together. On my worst, well, I haven't let myself get that far. Yet. Everything - EVERYTHING - I know, everything I feel, everything I fear is at a rolling boil and has been for some time.

Days like today send my closer to the edge of telling everyone to go fuck themselves, selling almost everything I own, then packing the bare necessities into my car and LEAVING this God-forsaken place behind me.

It doesn't matter where I go. It doesn't matter how far I travel. I just NEED to get the fuck out of this place before someone gets hurt.

While this may sound like a pity party, trust me, it's not. It's the knowing that I could disappear and only my dad and Matthew would try to find me (Or Joanne, which is another story entirely, and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. Mmmthanks.)

I learned a few years ago who my "true" friends were. Past tense. Nobody sticks around when you wind up in a place they can't comprehend.

Being homeless was the best thing that ever happened to me because I know without a doubt that I am resourceful, intelligent and - oh fuck yes! - I can take care of myself. Mmmkay?

Growing older is a good thing for me. I can't make someone like me, or even love me. I am what I am and, just because I'm not everyone's cup of tea, it doesn't mean that I am not worthy of either because I am. I no longer have a need to seek out the approval of anybody.

My ears have heard a lot of devastating things over the past half-century+ (wtf!?), yet there is something that stands out even more than the others - being told:

"I was in a relationship I had no right being in."

While I believe this was said without malice - truly - it crushed EVERYTHING I believed to be true about relationships, love and honesty.

How does someone start with 'I love you and vow to spend the rest of my life with you' to 'I was in a relationship I had no right being in'? What did I miss? Where were the signs? Does someone just wake up one day with the realization that they were never in love with you? Where did the lie start? Was it there from the beginning? Or did you "think" you were in love with me from the beginning then realized - 11 years later - that OOOOPS! MY BAD! I never really loved you at all.

I get it. I get that childhood memories can lay dormant for years then, one day, they steamroll over you. I get it. Unless  and until you've been through that fire, it's easy to believe that it's fake; that it doesn't "actually" happen. Sadly, you discovered that this DOES happen. Because it happened to YOU.

For just shy of 10 years I have continued to carry you in my heart in spite of the miles between us - NOT just the physical miles either. The emotional miles have been even more unbearable and being married to you still has been pure torture. I KNOW why I won't be the one filing for divorce, I wish I knew why YOU won't either. When I bring up the subject you ask me if being divorced would change the way I feel about you - of course the answer is a resounding NO! - then you say if it's not going to change anything, why bother? Not once in all those conversations we've had about divorce have you ever mentioned why YOU don't want it.

Oh sure, I've asked you directly about many things and your pat answer is "I don't/can't/won't talk about that right now."

Well, Henry, WHEN will you?

When will you stand still long enough to have these conversations?

When will you stop hiding being your job?

When will you tackle the memories that haunt you in order to let them stop running and ruining your life?

When will you start focusing on healing YOU?

I realize these easy questions for me to ask, yet YOU, of all people, know that I've walked that fucking walk. Because you have walked it with me.

Which begs another question: why did you stay with me if it wasn't something you wanted? Did you feel sorry for me? Did you think you could rescue me? Why?! We both know how hard I fought against having a relationship with you. We both know how I tried like hell to push you away in the beginning. Yet you stayed. Knowing what I know now, that baffles me. Over and over I told you that you were too good to be true, that someday the other shoe would drop and ** POOF ** you'd be gone. "No, it won't," you told me over and over...until I eventually believed you.

Do you know how much I admire you, Henry?  I admire your courage, intelligence, thoughtfulness, tenacity and - especially - your patience.

I have watched you do things for people just because. Remember the elderly couple who were locked out of their car at Lakeside Mall? The boat on Lake St. Clair we towed to shore?

I have also watched you sacrifice your own well-being to do something for someone else. Not just your parents and Jake. Yes, that includes ME too. You sacrificed yourself for me so many times that I am embarrassed to even attempt the calculation. And those are just the times I know about. Thank you for everything you've done for me, Henry, I deeply appreciate you.

(One day I hope Jake realizes everything you sacrificed for him. He has absolutely no idea. Or your parents. They have no idea either. Neither do they care.)

While you have made it clear that I'm not what you want or need - then or now. This new "normal" will continue on as it has for almost 10 years. At least that's something I can be sure of.

Right?

Starting Over. Again.

I detest going to a new therapist because when I do, I have to start at the beginning. Again.

Today was my second appointment with a new therapist and I feel raw. Things I have dealt with, memories I have buried, all come flooding back - with a vengeance

Where I am right this second is not where I thought I would be. The LOML is on the periphery of my life, one of my boys is locked up and the others couldn't care less if I lived or died.

Is this it? Is this ALL there is? Because if it is...

Start and Stop

Rarely have I started a new post only to delete it and this, my fourth attempt, may not survive either.

Pouring my heart out right now seems counterproductive because, after I pull myself together again, nothing has changed.

I'm beginning to think I like my own silence far too much because it's so easy for me to hide behind these walls. I don't feel the need to interact with people outside of work or ski patrol.

Someone asked me, very recently, what it is I'm looking for. I knew immediately what it is.

I want Henry. It's that simple. (I wish!)

He is still the last thing I think of as I'm falling to sleep, he is the first person I think of when I open my eyes. He is the first person I want to call when the world is spinning perfectly - or when it's off its axis.

He is in me. I want Henry.

Icy Rain

Beating on my window
The sound of icy rain
Drowning out the cries that fall
So many years of pain.

Each drop that falls upon the ground
Are memories that fill my head
Of days and nights I spent with you
And all the dreams we planned.

Is it time to break the ties
That keep me bound to you
Or do I stay and pray one day
It will lead me back to you?

Drifts

So far apart we've drifted
The years are flying by
Can we reach out to the other
Would you even try?

The ground I stand is fading
My heart is in my hand
How much longer can I wait for you
Before it's drifting sand?

The space you craved I gave to you
I let you walk away
You needed time to heal the pain
I couldn't make you stay.

After all this time I wonder
Was the space I gave too much
Or did you wander purposely
Out of sight and out of touch?

Dreams

It's been said that our sleeping dreams are representative of worries or conflicts needing resolution. While I mostly agree with that explanation, I must add that, for me, awakening from many of them is pure torture.

In a dream last night I received a text message from my son Hunter and in that message he apologized for cutting me out of his life and wanted to become part of mine again.

When I awoke this morning and checked my text messages, I found nothing from Hunter.

Crushed.

Not too long ago I had a dream about Henry where I felt his kiss on my cheek and heard him say "I love you". He was wearing a blue/green shirt (I dreamt in color!) and I could smell his aftershave.

I awoke sobbing, my pillow was wet with tears - and Henry was gone. Only the scent of his aftershave lingered.

Crushed.

The reality of dreams like these only push me further into myself, fortify the walls I have built around my heart while I sink deeper into the abyss.

It doesn't matter how deeply I love someone, I cannot twirl a magician's wand or click my sparkly red shoes three times to make them love me in return. I don't have a secret potion that would bring me home to the man I love more than life itself.

What I DO wish I had was a crystal ball. Something I could gaze in from time to time to see if the path I'm on is the right one, if I need to change direction or if I should disappear completely.

More than that though, I would like to know if, along my path, I find Henry, Connor and Hunter patiently waiting for my arrival.

Instead
Of
Only
In
My
Dreams

Could my dreams be the crystal ball...?

Times

There are times...

...my sadness makes me feel ill.
...I think of you, and the way you looked in a million different moments we shared, and I cry.
...I wonder, is there REALLY more to life than this?
...I wonder if have I reached my full potential?
...I ask myself if I have burned all - or only some - of my bridges?
...I do not know if I loved too much, not enough, or not at all?
...I want to know when I reach into the darkness, what will I find?
...my thoughts turn to how I will be remembered. Will it be for the goodness in me, or by my mistakes?

...I close my eyes and you are here with me, loving and laughing...and dancing naked in the kitchen...

Resolutions?

Not worth it.

Attempting to resolve something in a New Year is akin to calling out the universe for a gunfight. It's easy to say, "This year, I'll love more, worry less, eat better, lose weight...". Why set myself up for failure? Why would I want to drive myself crazy(ier) everytime my heart is crushed? Or feel guilty everytime I put something in my mouth?

Not for me, folks.

My life is what it is. Bumps, bruises, lessons failed, lessons learned. All of it. That's who I am.

I cannot love any more than I already do and I have no control over those I pray could love me in return. I can't make a person desire me or yearn for my company. The universe, I believe, has conspired against me where my heart is concerned.

Everything (almost) I have believed in my life thus far has blown up my heart. While it hasn't hardened me, it has made me close off parts of me that I cannot fathom ever sharing with anyone again. Ever. Sad? Maybe. True? Oh hell YES.

As hard as I pray - and for all the wishes I have tossed on the wind - there are things that are not mine to change. There are things I just cannot compete with. They have to work themselves out. If the tides were to miraculously turn and the love I have prayed for returned to me - fuck - I don't really know what I would do. Honest.

I CAN say this though:  I would have an open heart (and an open mind) and I would try. I harbor no grudges. The resentment I felt has dissipated. What's left is the deepest sadness I have ever known. Even in the rock-bottom depth of suicidal depression I didn't feel as sad as I do right now knowing how badly I failed my sons, and how selfishly I failed the LOML.

New Year's resolutions?

Fuck.

NO.

Christmas

While the rest of the world is running around trying to find the "perfect" (and last minute) gift for someone, I am home and cozy with a glass of wine and movie marathon.

In a perfect world, the love of my life and all my boys would be here too.

Merry Christmas to me.

Here

The Fight

Will a spark
Ignite the flame
Smoldering inside
Raise us up high above
So many years of pain?

Will just one look
Into your eyes
Tell me what you won't
Or will you hide so deep inside
The feeling that you don't?

Dear Henry

It is becoming much harder to choose my words when I have so many unanswered questions. Receiving only snippets about your life during the past 8 years and, while I have done my best to piece it all together, it still resembles a book with pages torn in half or out, then reassembled by someone sitting in pitch dark room -  wearing a blindfold.

When you reference something that you think I already know, "....so-and-so did such-and-such...AGAIN..." or mention an object that you have already had FOR THREE YEARS - I no longer bother trying to hold back the tears. I still have the (still) unopened anniversary card that was returned to me because you had no forwarding address on file.

Unabashedly, I tell people that I am married to the love of my life - because I am - and have been - for the past 16 years. I simply tell people that you live near his parents and travel around the globe for work. I leave out the fact that I haven't laid eyes on you in FOUR years. I don't tell them that I have seen you less than the fingers on my one hand in the past EIGHT YEARS.

You have been, for almost 20 years, part of my life. You are the air I breathe, and you are what keeps my heart beating. The things we've seen and done together, lessons that, together, we learned. You may not realize how many, many things you have taught me over the years. Not just about love and passion either. (Because of you I know how to start a boat sans key. Just sayin'.)

All of you is still part of every molecule of me. I carry you in my heart.  Because of that, I don't want to talk about the weather anymore. I want to talk about YOU and rediscover all the reasons I fell in love with you. I want to hear about where YOU are, on the inside. Please tell me about all the discoveries and changes YOU have made, for better or worse.

Then I want to hold you in my arms and tell you over and over again how much I love and respect you. I want you to hear me say, "I'm sorry" for all the things I have done to hurt you - then spend the rest of our lives proving to you how sorry I am.

Here I am. Here I will always be. I love you, LOML.

Roots

Owning my own home, instead of renting apartments, has never been something I've dreamed of, wanted, or even looked forward to doing. It just seems so permanent in a world that feels so temporary.

Henry and I talked at great lengths about buying a boat to live on, we even stepped on the decks of several that, at the time, we thought would fit the bill. As I sit here, in 1/4 of a house that was built in the 1880's, and look around the space, I know this too is temporary. I've lived in this house since March of 2017. First in a tiny upstairs apartment, then in September 2017, I moved to a much larger apartment on the first floor.

The past few months I have spent some time looking up old houses and learning about the history that accompanies every floorboard, brick, and shingle that still stands today. During this interesting education, I have found myself entertaining the idea of being a homeowner. It's nice to imagine myself walking through a house that I own. Until that little voice inside me screams, 'everything is temporary!'

At one point in my life, which I was oblivious to at the time, I actually put down roots and was flourishing beautifully. Now? I live in Hell without the LOML, who was also my very best friend.

My roots have died and my growth stunted. As hard as I tried to build something from within myself, I finally surrendered.

I was simply banging my head against a closed door.

The Wind

Wishes blew away by the wind
Prayers still hang on a limb
Dreams of forever blew up in our face
How did we ever get to this place?

Fighting each other is the norm
Instead of fighting together with the storm
Standing still we wait for the change
Waiting for us to come home once again.

There is no life in the life that we're living
Letting go of the pain and forgiving
Days still fly by so fast
One by one letting go of the past.

Gravitational Push

Gravity pulled us together
Memories pushed us apart
The distance was even bigger
Between our broken hearts.

Together we were invincible
At least that's what we said
We never thought it'd be like this
The past would rule instead.

Roles reversed the strength I have
Is something I learned from you
Standing firm and waiting here
Is this all that I can do?

Someday soon I pray you'll see
That I am here for you
Please turn around and look at me
I have
The
Other
Shoe...

ILYWAMHLOML

Bittersweet 16

Dear LOML,

While I do regret an incredible number of things that I have done, I will never regret giving everything I am to you and I will never regret marrying you almost 16 years ago.

I am still grappling with the "I was in a relationship I had no business being in", even though you said it was a general statement and that it had nothing to do with me specifically. I am also still trying to reconcile, in my own mind, how deeply in love we were then and how we always said we had found our soul's mate in each other.

If I could take away from you all the hurt, memories, and shame buried so deeply inside of you, I would. Having always attributed your painful memories to, aside from your parents, your military service, I was stunned to learn there was just so much more. It was definitely something I never saw coming, and something I wish you never had to endure.

Since you've been in retreat mode for the past few weeks, I find it nearly impossible to not worry about your well-being. Please know this: I am here for you if and when you need me and that that is something that will never change.

Happy (almost) 16th Anniversary, LOML. ISLYWAMYHAS and IWMYAOA. Would you DNITKTAS again with me?

For all of my life, I will love you.

TLOYL (maybe?)

Silence

Serenaded words we moved
Denver brought us here
Sophie wished for lovers be
Summer brought us there

Shooting stars I've memorized
So clearly golden green
Water calms the rising sun
A bridge across the stream

Wrap me up in silence
Tuck me under your skin
Open your eyes and look at me
This is where we begin again

After All These Years

https://youtu.be/E7Y84z4i8GM

"After All These Years"

A faded wedding photograph
You and me in our first dance
Our eyes are closed, 

we're lost in one sweet embrace

Since those days the world has changed
But our love remains the same
God knows we've had our share of saving grace

And I'm proud of all the blessings you have given me
The mountains we have climbed to get this far
We've learned to take the laughter with the tears
After all these years

You make it feel brand new
After the fires that we walked through
Against the odds we never lost our faith

In a house we've made our own
Where our children all have grown
Precious moments time cannot erase

Make a living up and down the gypsy highways
Seasons that we've had to share apart
Somehow in my heart I always keep you near
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong

'Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong

'Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years