Showing posts with label ECT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ECT. Show all posts

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Calming Down

The craziness that has been my life for so long seems to be finally calming down.

The debilitating female health issues that have been plaguing me for the past 9 months are almost completely taken care of, the grueling, time consuming, intense four months of National Ski Patrol (NSP), Outdoor Emergency Care (OEC) classes and final exams are over and, let's not forget, the future of my marriage was finally decided by the other half. Although I disagree with his decision from the bottom of my heart, I also know that there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

I've written several posts about Henry and how I have always believed he was the 'Love of My Life' and my 'Soul Mate', and I will forever stand by those. All of the billions of moments we declared "forever" to each other and that we were "in love for the last time in our lives" (the latter from the movie "Murphy's Romance"), I now have to live with the gut-wrenching reality that it's over.

My mind cannot even begin to wrap around the idea of Henry walking out of my life because that has never been my mindset. It has never even been a fleeting thought. I cannot remember there never being an "us". HenryAndCarrie. CarrieAndHenry. Never one without the other and we loved being that way.

My brain has always been my worst enemy because of it being Bipolar. Replaying all the wonderful memories that I have of Henry and me has made it absolutely unbearable. Taking it to the nth degree of excruciating is the fact that Henry holds so many memories of mine that I lost/never registered because of Electro-Convulsive Therapy.

When he leaves, he takes my memories with him...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Life


Henry does most of the talking. He is so frustratingly articulate and freakishly analytical that I am completely defenseless and find myself frequently in the position of just listening. It's totally unproductive, but I don't know what else to do.

To give you an idea of what I'm up against, his favorite subject is (and always has been) physics. He qualified for MENSA and turned them down. He's also an Electrical Engineer. Matching wits with him is like bringing a straw/spitballs to an AK47 fight! LOL!

I am grateful to Henry for having always been not only constantly employed, but also for having a substantial salary. He has pretty much always sucked at chores, but he takes care of other things that more than make up for it. He sometimes works long hours, he frequently travels to work on jobs ~ sometimes for very long stretches, sometimes very far away and putting himself in danger.

A few years ago he flew for work to Germany, spending a little time in France and Italy, too. The travel status changed to high-risk, the American Consulates were saying "leave foreign countries NOW". His mom and I were begging him to get the next flight out before he was stuck there. Although he refused to fly home right away he didn't get "stuck". His mom and I could have choked him for putting us through that! LOL!

I've never doubted Henry's honesty or integrity.

Henry and I have been together for almost 11 years. Married 7 years last June. In all the years we've been together I have been, or at least it seems like, a constant patient in the health care system. Life with me has not been easy because of it. Our life with Hunter has not been easy either. Especially when we were trying to have him diagnosed. Especially the period of time I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. Especially when Hunter and I were in different psychiatric hospitals on the opposite sides of town. Especially when I went through Electro-Convulsive Therapy and lost six months of my "life" (memories ~ present at the time and a lot of past).

Henry, it seems to me, is always "rescuing" me from something. I feel like a perpetual damsel in distress. Part of my problem with him, for a while now, is that he doesn't see me as a woman; as his lover, confidante and wife. I feel as though he is always waiting for the next catastrophe to happen so he can swoop in and rescue me again.

Intimacy used to be overflowing in our marriage. Not just sexual, but emotional, too. There was a time when I honestly and truly believed there was no way to tell where he ended and I began. I used to tell him that without him, I didn't make sense.

Our intimacy is gone. We barely speak to each other. If we touch, it's purely by accident.

I can't continue to live life like this.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Random Thoughts

It seems I always think of things to write about when I am not anywhere near my laptop to actually write it down.

For instance today, at work, I was drawing up a flu vaccine when I started thinking about where I've been and where I am now. Kind of abstract, for the most part. As today progressed I zeroed in on more specific things.

Allow me to finish the following sentence:

"I never thought that..."
  • ...that I would go back to school and I would finally be living a dream of working in health care.
  • ...depression would wrap its chains around me so tightly and drag me so far into the darkness that I would survive more than one suicide attempt.
  • ...that I would ever, in a zillion years, bury one of my children.
  • ...I would have 11 Electro Convulsive Therapies. Nor did it occur to me the vastness of my memory loss because of them.
  • ...my marriage would ever feel less than completely secure and that the turmoil currently surrounding it could be the end of it.
  • ...I would be creating my own chaos. Again.
  • ...my health, not my mental health, my physical health, would become so problematic and wrought with drama.
  • ...Connor would still be so far away.
  • ...my niece, Dayna, and I would become so close that I consider her one of my best friends, and like the daughter I never had, and have a daughter of her own that I feel like a grandmother to.
I look at where I've been and I look at where I am now and it boggles my mind that I'm still standing. I have these moments ~ a lot lately, it seems ~ where I feel like an outsider peering into my own life and the only reaction I can muster is to shake my head in disbelief. It's *that* mind-boggling.

Right now it's close to 1:30 a.m. and although I am tired as tired can be, I don't want to go to sleep. I have this overwhelming feeling that if I take time to sleep I might miss something important. Yeah, it sounds silly, but it's how I've been feeling for a very long time now. (The saying "you can sleep when you're dead" just popped into my head.)

My thoughts surf all over the place. All the time. As much as I try to, I cannot shut my brain off and I wake up feeling like I fought an army all by myself.

On the other hand, there are many nights that I want to go to sleep and absolutely never wake up. Thoughts of suicide are always rambling around in my brain, even though I don't speak about them. It's that "sleeping when you're dead" thing. I am 100% certain that a dirt nap will stop the whirling-twirling-spinning thoughts in my head once and for all.

Once and for all.

Friday, June 13, 2008

I'm Frustrated

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated.

Did I mention I am frustrated? Mmmmmkay...

I am so tired in seeing the world in shades of gray. I am tired of being so tired all the time. I saw my doc last week and he added another med to my regimen, Lithium, which I have been on before. Trouble is that after having ECT's I cannot remember whether it worked or not so I haven't filled the prescription yet.

Sigh.

The only side effects I remember having from it are hand tremors, severe dry mouth and being more sensitive to the sun than I usually am. Having fair skin and a boat it is already difficult enough to stay out of the sun. Adding Lithium to my body will make it worse because it will take less exposure to the sun to fry my Casper-white skin. (Yes, I use sunscreen -- and I still burn.)

I tell myself every night as I'm falling asleep that tomorrow is a new day and when I awaken I will see the world in 120 Crayola Colors. When I open my eyes on the new day, I'm sadly disappointed.

The doc also adjusted my VNS a little so now instead of feeling like I'm being choked when it activates every three minutes, I have that awful feeling you get right before coming down with the worst sore throat of your life. Except it only lasts for 30 seconds.

Henry has complimented me a few times over the past six weeks or so about how I am better at handling my mood swings; that I am better able to keep my moods from escalating into a full-on BZ. I actually complimented myself on the same thing, except tonight it finally occurred to me that I really have no control at all. I just stuff it as far down my throat as I can and I clamp my mouth shut. Then I try to hide. Except I feel that hiding has not been an available option since May 1st.

Ending my life is always on my mind. It's never been about being dead so much as it is to have complete and total silence in my brain. I just want the world to stop so the millions of people like me can catch their breath and figure out what to do next without resorting to killing themselves.

What a concept.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Annie's Song



Yesterday my girlfriend and my husband and I went to take the plastic winter cover off our boat, erect the canvas and take inventory of what was still on board and what we still need to find in order to start our boating season next weekend. Stepping on the boat yesterday brought back wonderful memories of when we first bought her (used) in 2001 and the slapstick comedy of her maiden voyage. (She's a 1989 2655 Bayliner Ciera.) We had owned a boat previously (21' cuddy cabin) so we had, what we thought at the time, enough knowledge to get us from Point A to Point B without much difficulty. Uh yeah. Then reality set in.

By the time our family of six got the boat loaded and organized to set sail, it was pretty late. We tucked the kids down below and off we went. The broker we bought the boat from had parked our boat in a slip in a marina full of really expensive boats. Some of them were really pretty. Because the shifter on our boat was not working properly (worked fine when we test drove her) and it was really windy, we almost came to know a few of those pretty boats intimately.

After much maneuvering and "oh shit's", Henry wound up backing us out of the smooth water of the marina to the lake where the water was rough and the wind was howling. It was going to be a long night.

At some point in our voyage in started raining heavily and Henry made the decision that he just could not drive anymore and we started looking for a place to tie up to get some rest before continuing on to our marina in Port Huron. In the dark we found a dock, tied her up and went below to get some sleep where we discovered that the blankets covering our kids were soaking wet and the hatches were leaking as if they had been left wide open. (They were firmly closed.)

After Henry and I got some rest, it was daylight now, we untied the boat and set sail for our marina. I don't remember anything significant happening during this portion of our trip but what happened once we got to the marina and were trying to park our boat in our slip is etched deeply in my brain.

By the time we pulled into the marina it was pouring rain again -- and I do mean pouring. Our slip was located next to a metal retaining wall so I was dispatched to the bow to keep us from colliding with it. So I'm standing on the bow of this boat, in a bright yellow raincoat (boaters term: foul weather gear), sweatpants that were soaking wet, no shoes and armed with a dock pole. We're slowly cruising up the dockway to our slip and as we get close Henry throws the shifter in reverse. Unknown to us at the time, the cotter pin holding the propeller on the shaft didn't exist so the propeller fell off. (The cruise up the lake/river in forward gear was enough to keep the prop on the shaft.) We had just enough residual cruising speed and momentum that we slammed into the retaining wall, bending the bow rail.

Standing on my tip toes, reaching high over my head, I grab the edge of the retaining wall to keep us from going anywhere. Oh, and it's still pouring down rain. After what seemed like an eternity marina staff finally showed up to help us get her the rest of the way in the slip and tied off. We instantly (we found out later) became the Beverly Hillbillies of B dock. Several of our dock mates thought we were drunk and until we could get the Lexan replaced in the hatches we had to cover the bow of our boat with a blue tarp. How very attractive! So that was our maiden voyage.

Our home, for the first four boating seasons, was only about a half-hour drive so our choice of marina was pretty convenient. Plus they had a lot of nice amenities: heated swimming pool, showers, jacuzzi, basketball courts. And an even bigger bonus to our choice of location was the easy access to Lake Huron.

Stepping on the boat yesterday also flung me back in time to August 2004 when I tried to overdose and our boat sat in its well in Port Huron unused and neglected. When we put "her" (Her name is "Annie's Song") in storage for the winter that year and we couldn't have imagined she would stay in dry dock for two years as our lives spun seemingly out of control.

The fall and winter of 2004 I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals and undergoing ECT's. Hunter was also in and out of psychiatric hospitals as we tried to find medication to shorten the width of his mood swings and quiet the voices in his head.

The summer of 2005 came and went and Hunter was in a residential facility. He was a danger to himself and other's and it was our only hope. Visiting times at (and the location of) that facility were not convenient (of course) but I visited him at every opportunity given. I missed a lot of work and put a lot of miles on my car during that last hospitalization (that lasted 206 days). I was also still struggling with finding the right medication for myself and we, Henry and I, didn't think we had what it would take to put the boat in the water and actually use it.

Spring 2006 came along and we thought long and hard again about whether or not we could justify putting the time, money and effort in to putting the boat in the water vs. how much we would actually use it. It was a tough decision to keep her on land for another season but the decision in hindsight, was the right one.

This spring the question came up again of "do we" or "don't we" or "do we sell?" The marina we used originally was no longer convenient because we had moved and it would have taken about an hour and a half to get there. So I suggested we put her in the lake about 20 minutes from our house -- which is where we kept our smaller boat.

Henry gave it some thought and decided it was a great idea so we found a marina, picked a well and next weekend our boating season will officially start. Our family has great memories of the lake where our boat will be. There are several small islands, the water is much warmer than Lake Huron and it's three hours closer to Cedar Point than Port Huron. :-)

(I highly recommend driving a boat to Cedar Point and parking it in their marina. It is a awesome ride, inexpensive to dock (around $40, includes water and electricity) and you get in the park an hour earlier than the general public. Another cool thing is going up the Millennium roller coaster, looking down and seeing your boat sitting in the marina.)Because most things come full circle, the marina we chose for this season is the same marina we set sail from on our maiden voyage.

Standing on the deck of "Annie's Song" again felt like coming home. I didn't realize how much I missed the comfort of her until I was standing in the galley overwhelmed with so many happy memories and funny adventures we, as a family, have had with her. That first season it seemed that every time we took her out onto Lake Huron it would rain or hail. It was always clear, blue skies when we left dock (and the marine forecast always told us what we could see) in the blink of an eye we would find ourselves in a horrible storm. One storm produced golf ball sized hail.

One Fourth of July we took the boat up Lake Huron and anchored out from a town called Lexington. It was the most spectacular celebration I have ever seen. From our spot on the lake we were able to see fireworks from several surround communities in addition to private firework shows up and down the beach. It was truly breathtaking.

Henry and I spent our wedding night (June 30, 2002) anchored on Lake Huron sleeping on an air mattress on the stern's deck, under the stars. I still have the "Just Married" flag I bought and we flew proudly from our boat for the rest of the summer.

So, "Annie's Song", welcome home. I missed you.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Old Journals

Over the weekend I pulled some old journals off the bookshelf next to my bed and started reading them. A couple of the journals were from the pre/post ECT period so there were things mentioned in them that I didn't remember. It always feels weird to read or be told something happened that you have absolutely no memory of. It also makes me kind of sad.

I will be recreating all the written journals here in my blog because those words are important, too. There were several entries about off-premise visits when Hunter was in a long-term care facility and a few entries during one of my hospitalizations.