On Monday the doc turned the stimulator up a notch from .25 to .5. I still feel like I have a lump in my throat and now when it's active my voice gets hoarse. My husband says I sound 'creepy'. I think I sound creepy, too. I finally realize why the magnets I received are so important. For instance when I'm talking on the phone. I just place the magnet near the stimulator and it shuts it off. When I take the magnet away, it turns back on. That's even creepier!
The VNS doctor asked me how I was doing and I told him I was sleeping better. He wanted me to describe my mood to him and I told him it was "black". I still think of suicide -- mostly to stop the demons in my head. They are so intrusive. He said the better sleep is encouraging. As is the reports he is receiving from his other patients who have had the device longer. I patiently wait.
Being back at work has been exhausting. I'll continue working part-time for a few more days. Just thinking about working full-time is overwhelming. I got used to doing next to nothing all day except sleeping and watching tv -- brainless activities. My workload in the office ebbs and flows so sometimes I'm crazy busy and other times I'm trawling for something to do.
Also on Monday I returned to Jenny Craig. Before I went on medical leave I found the program to be quite successful -- I lost more than 20 pounds. During my medical leave I wasn't focused and took a break from the program so I could stuff myself silly. And I did. I weighed in at 191 pounds. On my 5'9" frame it doesn't look too bad, but obviously my clothes no longer fit. So I had to dig into the pre-Jenny Craig box of clothes to find something to wear. I know I should be depressed about this but I'm not. I knew what I was doing everytime I put something into my mouth. I have nobody but myself to blame. Being in the office is an advantage because I can't sit around eating all day.
My treadmill is mocking me. I haven't used it in more than three months and it's just standing there collecting dust. It's the elephant in our living room so I can't avoid it. Yeah, baby, I'll be reacqainting myself with you. I also plan to start walking again at lunch.
It's been bitter cold the past several days here in Michigan. The kids had two days off of school because it was so cold. The temperatures are slowly warming up. Well as warm as you can get in the middle of winter in Michigan.
Time to get my youngest kiddie on the school bus. Have a great day.
The VNS doctor asked me how I was doing and I told him I was sleeping better. He wanted me to describe my mood to him and I told him it was "black". I still think of suicide -- mostly to stop the demons in my head. They are so intrusive. He said the better sleep is encouraging. As is the reports he is receiving from his other patients who have had the device longer. I patiently wait.
Being back at work has been exhausting. I'll continue working part-time for a few more days. Just thinking about working full-time is overwhelming. I got used to doing next to nothing all day except sleeping and watching tv -- brainless activities. My workload in the office ebbs and flows so sometimes I'm crazy busy and other times I'm trawling for something to do.
Also on Monday I returned to Jenny Craig. Before I went on medical leave I found the program to be quite successful -- I lost more than 20 pounds. During my medical leave I wasn't focused and took a break from the program so I could stuff myself silly. And I did. I weighed in at 191 pounds. On my 5'9" frame it doesn't look too bad, but obviously my clothes no longer fit. So I had to dig into the pre-Jenny Craig box of clothes to find something to wear. I know I should be depressed about this but I'm not. I knew what I was doing everytime I put something into my mouth. I have nobody but myself to blame. Being in the office is an advantage because I can't sit around eating all day.
My treadmill is mocking me. I haven't used it in more than three months and it's just standing there collecting dust. It's the elephant in our living room so I can't avoid it. Yeah, baby, I'll be reacqainting myself with you. I also plan to start walking again at lunch.
It's been bitter cold the past several days here in Michigan. The kids had two days off of school because it was so cold. The temperatures are slowly warming up. Well as warm as you can get in the middle of winter in Michigan.
Time to get my youngest kiddie on the school bus. Have a great day.
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