I've been thinking a lot about my wonderful hubby, Henry. I think about him a lot already, my thoughts are just more concentrated lately because of a major stress in his life. The (physical) custody battle with his ex-wife.
For as long as Henry and I have been together (almost 8 years), Jake has been splitting his time 50/50 between the two homes. Monday, Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday with the ex-wife and Wednesday, Thursday and every other Friday-Sunday with us.
This arrangement, my husband and I have always agreed, is stressful on Jake (he turns 14 in June). For many reasons. Up until three years ago (has it been that long?), we all lived in the same school district. For the past 8 years, my husband (with a little help from me) has been the SOLE transporter of Jake between the two homes. Same school district = not a very big deal. A pain-in-the ass, yes, but not a big deal. On "our" week "days", Henry would pick Jake up after work and, during the school year, would usually drive him directly to school. Still not a big deal.
Three years ago, my husband and I made a decision to move out of that school district to a city (roughly) 15 miles away. This was a decision that we did not make lightly. There were a lot of things, a LOT, that went into the decision. Our growing family (four GROWING boys) and appropriate housing (we were not in a position to buy a home at that time) to accommodate everybody and local crime topped the list.
From 1999 to 2004 we lived in the same apartment complex. From 1999 to 2001 my husband and I rented separate two-bedroom apartments, literally next door to each other. (We have the BEST how'd you meet story! But I digress.) From 2001 to 2003 we rented a third-floor, three bedroom, two-bath apartment.
During the five years we lived in that complex we had two brand-new Ninja motorcycles stolen and had the distinct pleasure of living mere yards from an open field where a BOMB was detonated by a bomb squad. It is here I point out that this explosion occurred in the middle of the night and NOBODY bothered to tell us about it beforehand. Uh, yeah.
That complex was the only game in town with three bedroom rental units so we expanded our search to surrounding communities.
Adding to all that the fact that the ex has been threatening FOR. EVER. to pack up and move back to Florida. (Just GO already!)
For the last three years, Jake has been on the same 50/50 schedule. Henry has still been doing ALL the transporting.
Now the ex is an "interesting" character. I will leave out my personal opinion of her but I will reveal these facts. She has two daughters from her first marriage. Jessica is 21 and Samantha is 18. The ex kicked Jess out of her home, the first time, when she was 16. She kicked Samantha out when she was 17. Jake's comment to me, right after Sam was booted, was "it's only a matter of time until she kicks me out, too.". Which brings us to the present.
The ex has a major thing with "respect". Everything is about "respect". Respect, respect, respect. Oh, and RESPECT. If you disagree with her, you're disrespecting her. If you look at her with-that-tone-of-voice, you're disrespecting her. She probably blames everything in her life on the fact that the world disrespects her specifically.
In early January of this year, the ex and Jake had a disagreement about something so trivial I can no longer remember what it was. Her response? Until "you apologize and respect me, you are no longer welcome in my home". Jake took her literally. In a conversation between the ex and my husband, she told him to "make arrangements to get Jake after school". So we did and Jake has been with us ever since. On top of that, whatever the disagreement was, Jake feels quite strongly that the ex owes HIM the apology.
Ever since we moved to our current home, Jake has contemplated living with us full-time. The ex locking him out of her home was the decision point for him so we enrolled him in our school district. Jake had been agonizing this decision for a long time. Henry and I took a laid-back approach and told him we would support him in whatever, whenever he decided. Jake grew up in the ex's house. The house is situated in a nice neighborhood on a dead-end street and Jake has friends he's known since before kindergarten. Jake didn't want to leave his friends. And we couldn't blame him. Henry was an Air Force brat and he relished the fact that Jake has lived in the same place, mostly, for his entire life.
I could not love Jake any more than if I had actually given birth to him. He is a terrific kid. I have witnessed first-hand how difficult this 50/50 schedule has been on him. His grades have always been less that desirable. Mostly because he received zero homework help from his mom.
On school mornings at his mom's house he was usually left to fend for himself and responsible for getting himself up and ready for school. This resulted in a lot of missed school days and tardies. In elementary school he had to carry an assignment notebook back and forth to school that had to be signed every night by a parent. The ex put TOO much responsibility on Jake for school-related stuff. I cannot tell you how many school projects were done at the 11th hour because the ex couldn't be bothered.
Henry tried helping Jake with homework via the telephone but on "her" days, she forbade Jake from calling his dad because it was "her" time. Even though she was hardly ever home.
Everything Jake has ever needed, lunch money, school supplies, clothing, a new bed (at her house)-- we have paid for. The ex contributed to none of it. Don't get me wrong, we're doing what parents are supposed to do.
The custody battle is really not about custody so much as it is about him living in one place during the school year. We have seen a remarkable improvement in Jake's grades since he started school here in January. In the divorce decree there is no set visitation schedule and Henry and the ex share physical custody. They're supposed to share his expenses 50/50, too. We can dream, can't we? Henry and I are fighting for Jake to live with us during the school weeks with his mom seeing him every other weekend.
Here is the kick in the teeth -- from OUR attorney, no less. The 50/50 living arrangement, Henry always transporting Jake between homes SET A PRECEDENT that the attorney doubts the court will change. The sound of defeat in my beautiful husbands voice when he told me that knocked the breath out of me. Everything Henry does for Jake is because of Jake. Because that's how it should be. It's called PARENTING.
Yesterday was the first court date regarding Jake's living arrangements. They never made it in front of the judge. Mostly because Eminem and his ex-wife and their media circus were there, too. Also because OUR attorney, having watched Henry and the ex talking, highly suggested we adjourn the hearing for a week to try to work things out on our own.
In that conversation between Henry and the ex, they discussed (finally) sharing transportation responsibilities. The ex? Wants money for gas. Yeah. Seriously.
The ex has not seen -- made a barely-there effort to see -- Jake since January. Jake refuses to see her. Henry and I have been counseling Jake that, like it or not, he will have to, at some point in the very near future, see her. The court can, and will, force that issue. The last time Jake talked to her on the phone, that I am aware of, he hung up on her. It was the first time, again that I am aware of, in a very long time since they had spoken to each other and she blew it. Instead of "hi, how's it going?" she launches into how by him not calling her that he is disrespecting her. Click.
Henry and I recently put Jake back into counseling. I say "back into" because the last experience he had with it was with his mother. It was Jake, the ex and the therapist -- together, in one room -- for a several sessions. When the therapist questioned her parenting skills, she stopped taking Jake. She assumed the therapist would side with her and that he would validate her notion that Jake was a disrespectful child. I felt so sorry for Jake.
Several years ago Henry and I took Jake to Malissa (the same therapist I and Hunter have) so we took him back to her. The first session included Henry and Jake for the intake and Jake mistakenly assumed that that was how every session was going to be. The complete relief on his face when he found out that he would be seeing her alone is indescribable. I have a warm suspicion that Malissa is exactly what Jake needs. :-)
For as long as Henry and I have been together (almost 8 years), Jake has been splitting his time 50/50 between the two homes. Monday, Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday with the ex-wife and Wednesday, Thursday and every other Friday-Sunday with us.
This arrangement, my husband and I have always agreed, is stressful on Jake (he turns 14 in June). For many reasons. Up until three years ago (has it been that long?), we all lived in the same school district. For the past 8 years, my husband (with a little help from me) has been the SOLE transporter of Jake between the two homes. Same school district = not a very big deal. A pain-in-the ass, yes, but not a big deal. On "our" week "days", Henry would pick Jake up after work and, during the school year, would usually drive him directly to school. Still not a big deal.
Three years ago, my husband and I made a decision to move out of that school district to a city (roughly) 15 miles away. This was a decision that we did not make lightly. There were a lot of things, a LOT, that went into the decision. Our growing family (four GROWING boys) and appropriate housing (we were not in a position to buy a home at that time) to accommodate everybody and local crime topped the list.
From 1999 to 2004 we lived in the same apartment complex. From 1999 to 2001 my husband and I rented separate two-bedroom apartments, literally next door to each other. (We have the BEST how'd you meet story! But I digress.) From 2001 to 2003 we rented a third-floor, three bedroom, two-bath apartment.
During the five years we lived in that complex we had two brand-new Ninja motorcycles stolen and had the distinct pleasure of living mere yards from an open field where a BOMB was detonated by a bomb squad. It is here I point out that this explosion occurred in the middle of the night and NOBODY bothered to tell us about it beforehand. Uh, yeah.
That complex was the only game in town with three bedroom rental units so we expanded our search to surrounding communities.
Adding to all that the fact that the ex has been threatening FOR. EVER. to pack up and move back to Florida. (Just GO already!)
For the last three years, Jake has been on the same 50/50 schedule. Henry has still been doing ALL the transporting.
Now the ex is an "interesting" character. I will leave out my personal opinion of her but I will reveal these facts. She has two daughters from her first marriage. Jessica is 21 and Samantha is 18. The ex kicked Jess out of her home, the first time, when she was 16. She kicked Samantha out when she was 17. Jake's comment to me, right after Sam was booted, was "it's only a matter of time until she kicks me out, too.". Which brings us to the present.
The ex has a major thing with "respect". Everything is about "respect". Respect, respect, respect. Oh, and RESPECT. If you disagree with her, you're disrespecting her. If you look at her with-that-tone-of-voice, you're disrespecting her. She probably blames everything in her life on the fact that the world disrespects her specifically.
In early January of this year, the ex and Jake had a disagreement about something so trivial I can no longer remember what it was. Her response? Until "you apologize and respect me, you are no longer welcome in my home". Jake took her literally. In a conversation between the ex and my husband, she told him to "make arrangements to get Jake after school". So we did and Jake has been with us ever since. On top of that, whatever the disagreement was, Jake feels quite strongly that the ex owes HIM the apology.
Ever since we moved to our current home, Jake has contemplated living with us full-time. The ex locking him out of her home was the decision point for him so we enrolled him in our school district. Jake had been agonizing this decision for a long time. Henry and I took a laid-back approach and told him we would support him in whatever, whenever he decided. Jake grew up in the ex's house. The house is situated in a nice neighborhood on a dead-end street and Jake has friends he's known since before kindergarten. Jake didn't want to leave his friends. And we couldn't blame him. Henry was an Air Force brat and he relished the fact that Jake has lived in the same place, mostly, for his entire life.
I could not love Jake any more than if I had actually given birth to him. He is a terrific kid. I have witnessed first-hand how difficult this 50/50 schedule has been on him. His grades have always been less that desirable. Mostly because he received zero homework help from his mom.
On school mornings at his mom's house he was usually left to fend for himself and responsible for getting himself up and ready for school. This resulted in a lot of missed school days and tardies. In elementary school he had to carry an assignment notebook back and forth to school that had to be signed every night by a parent. The ex put TOO much responsibility on Jake for school-related stuff. I cannot tell you how many school projects were done at the 11th hour because the ex couldn't be bothered.
Henry tried helping Jake with homework via the telephone but on "her" days, she forbade Jake from calling his dad because it was "her" time. Even though she was hardly ever home.
Everything Jake has ever needed, lunch money, school supplies, clothing, a new bed (at her house)-- we have paid for. The ex contributed to none of it. Don't get me wrong, we're doing what parents are supposed to do.
The custody battle is really not about custody so much as it is about him living in one place during the school year. We have seen a remarkable improvement in Jake's grades since he started school here in January. In the divorce decree there is no set visitation schedule and Henry and the ex share physical custody. They're supposed to share his expenses 50/50, too. We can dream, can't we? Henry and I are fighting for Jake to live with us during the school weeks with his mom seeing him every other weekend.
Here is the kick in the teeth -- from OUR attorney, no less. The 50/50 living arrangement, Henry always transporting Jake between homes SET A PRECEDENT that the attorney doubts the court will change. The sound of defeat in my beautiful husbands voice when he told me that knocked the breath out of me. Everything Henry does for Jake is because of Jake. Because that's how it should be. It's called PARENTING.
Yesterday was the first court date regarding Jake's living arrangements. They never made it in front of the judge. Mostly because Eminem and his ex-wife and their media circus were there, too. Also because OUR attorney, having watched Henry and the ex talking, highly suggested we adjourn the hearing for a week to try to work things out on our own.
In that conversation between Henry and the ex, they discussed (finally) sharing transportation responsibilities. The ex? Wants money for gas. Yeah. Seriously.
The ex has not seen -- made a barely-there effort to see -- Jake since January. Jake refuses to see her. Henry and I have been counseling Jake that, like it or not, he will have to, at some point in the very near future, see her. The court can, and will, force that issue. The last time Jake talked to her on the phone, that I am aware of, he hung up on her. It was the first time, again that I am aware of, in a very long time since they had spoken to each other and she blew it. Instead of "hi, how's it going?" she launches into how by him not calling her that he is disrespecting her. Click.
Henry and I recently put Jake back into counseling. I say "back into" because the last experience he had with it was with his mother. It was Jake, the ex and the therapist -- together, in one room -- for a several sessions. When the therapist questioned her parenting skills, she stopped taking Jake. She assumed the therapist would side with her and that he would validate her notion that Jake was a disrespectful child. I felt so sorry for Jake.
Several years ago Henry and I took Jake to Malissa (the same therapist I and Hunter have) so we took him back to her. The first session included Henry and Jake for the intake and Jake mistakenly assumed that that was how every session was going to be. The complete relief on his face when he found out that he would be seeing her alone is indescribable. I have a warm suspicion that Malissa is exactly what Jake needs. :-)
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