I can’t shut my brain off and I can’t keep up. The past few days I have been overwhelmingly restless. I want to be any place I am not currently standing, sitting or lying in. I am sleeping very little and eating even less. I have to make a concerted effort to consume calories and I find no pleasure in it. I weighed myself two weeks ago, for the first time in about two months. I was shocked to learn I had lost 34 pounds. In two months. I know the exact reasons why this has happened: Adderall and angst. The two “A’s”.
Monday my mania was so, well, MANIC, that I re-arranged our basement (sans Adderall). My husband was (quietly) not amused, but he let me go at it. (The basement is pretty much his domain.) Last night, I plowed through more clutter in the dining room and Henry kept a safe distance. Unfortunately, my decreased need for sleep kept him up last night, too. I think I finally dozed off around 4 AM today.
For the past few days I have really been enjoying the convertible feature of my Wrangler and I can’t decide if it’s feeding my mania (wind through the hair, freedom thing) or soothing my soul.
Tonight I had my three-month review with Columbia University on how the VNS device is working for me. The questions are pretty standard – how have your moods been, thoughts of suicide, how is your sleep, how are you functioning. At the end she asks me to rate my life satisfaction. After she defined the question, my answer was “fair” because I am constantly unhappy with several aspects of my life because of the guilt that I am letting consume me.
This is where the battle within me rages, and it is almost out of control. I feel like I am the only person in the world with these particular issues. Realistically, I know I’m probably not, but it doesn’t help one iota in trying to cope with it all.
The VNS review kind of tipped the scales a little further for me and I, literally, ran out on my husband. I threw my laptop in my bag, grabbed my purse and, after telling him I was not leaving because of anything he had done, I sprinted to the door. I plugged my iPod in and tuned it to a song I stumbled on yesterday by Meatloaf called “For Crying Out Loud”. (My wonderful hubby is the master of the iPod libraries, too.) I turned the volume up as loud as it would go and pulled out of our driveway.
Initially I just wanted to drive – to feel the sun, listen to this song and go, well, nowhere. It wasn’t long before I found myself pulling into the marina where our boat is located. After stepping aboard, I just stood in the galley shaking my head. While I’m shaking my head I’m thinking “why are you just standing here shaking your head?” I was rooted in that spot for several minutes trying to stop the whirling thoughts in my head and the overpowering emotions that are (still) sitting on my chin. I am terrified that if I start to cry I will lose control. The emotions are THAT devastatingly deep.
So, for now, I will pack up my stuff, close up the boat, and drive.
Monday my mania was so, well, MANIC, that I re-arranged our basement (sans Adderall). My husband was (quietly) not amused, but he let me go at it. (The basement is pretty much his domain.) Last night, I plowed through more clutter in the dining room and Henry kept a safe distance. Unfortunately, my decreased need for sleep kept him up last night, too. I think I finally dozed off around 4 AM today.
For the past few days I have really been enjoying the convertible feature of my Wrangler and I can’t decide if it’s feeding my mania (wind through the hair, freedom thing) or soothing my soul.
Tonight I had my three-month review with Columbia University on how the VNS device is working for me. The questions are pretty standard – how have your moods been, thoughts of suicide, how is your sleep, how are you functioning. At the end she asks me to rate my life satisfaction. After she defined the question, my answer was “fair” because I am constantly unhappy with several aspects of my life because of the guilt that I am letting consume me.
This is where the battle within me rages, and it is almost out of control. I feel like I am the only person in the world with these particular issues. Realistically, I know I’m probably not, but it doesn’t help one iota in trying to cope with it all.
The VNS review kind of tipped the scales a little further for me and I, literally, ran out on my husband. I threw my laptop in my bag, grabbed my purse and, after telling him I was not leaving because of anything he had done, I sprinted to the door. I plugged my iPod in and tuned it to a song I stumbled on yesterday by Meatloaf called “For Crying Out Loud”. (My wonderful hubby is the master of the iPod libraries, too.) I turned the volume up as loud as it would go and pulled out of our driveway.
Initially I just wanted to drive – to feel the sun, listen to this song and go, well, nowhere. It wasn’t long before I found myself pulling into the marina where our boat is located. After stepping aboard, I just stood in the galley shaking my head. While I’m shaking my head I’m thinking “why are you just standing here shaking your head?” I was rooted in that spot for several minutes trying to stop the whirling thoughts in my head and the overpowering emotions that are (still) sitting on my chin. I am terrified that if I start to cry I will lose control. The emotions are THAT devastatingly deep.
So, for now, I will pack up my stuff, close up the boat, and drive.
1 comment:
Oh Carrie...you just touched such a nerve in me. You described the exact way I feel so eloquently that it scared me. For a moment, I thought I was reading my own blog. You aren't alone, chica. I assure you of that. There's a bipolar chick here in Florida that feels your pain.
CP.
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