Who Am I?

God grant me the Serenity
to Accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.

I am sitting alone in a hotel room in Northern Michigan trying to sort out, in my mind, the events of the last 36 hours. Everything is so fucking upside down I don't know where to start.

Currently there is a quartet of opera singers in the pool outside my window singing the most beautiful music I think I have ever heard. Of course I can't understand what they are actually singing, but their sounds are something I've often imagined I would hear in heaven.

The guilt I feel about Henry winding up in the hospital feels insurmountable from my current vantage point. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am the person responsible for putting him there. If something were to happen to him, I would never forgive myself -- to the drastic point that I would take my own life.

Part of me is glad that Henry knows about the secret I've been carrying for the last six weeks. There is another part of me though, that hurts and aches and feels so horrendously raw -- like the most sensitive parts of my body have been heavily abraded by steel wool and, just for kicks, rubbing alcohol has been poured over the open wounds and some sick freak is chasing me with a lighter trying to burn me to the ground.

I'm already on the ground, bleeding love from every vein. Feeling like I don't belong in my own skin. Knowing with certainty that I have no idea who I really am. Which is why I am here this weekend. To find a purpose and my own inner power. Not the ego-type power, but the power that will enable me to turn myself around and find the right path to follow my dreams.

At this moment, I have a great deal of hope, a tiny bit of faith, and a whole lot of curiosity about whether or not this is even possible for me.

I desperately miss my friend.