I knew it would happen sooner or later and as much as I wanted it to happen sooner, I am now wishing it was later.
Matthew and I were texting each other a short while ago. I finally got a few things off my chest about how I felt like he had taken advantage of Henry's and my generosity while he was living here.
I told him that from where I stood, he looked like an ungrateful, self-centered, selfish young man. I also told him I thought he was a jerk (seriously!) for the way he treated me when he was here and for the things he said about me to his friends -- that made their way back around to me.
I'm not sure which disrespectful comment he made about me is worse; that he thinks I'm a "douche bag" or that he "absolutely despises" and "hates" me.
I know -- it's not really much of a toss-up. Hearing how much Matthew "hates" and "despises" me cut through the marrow of my bones.
In the course of our texting I began to see Matthew a little (but not much) more clearly because he actually told me how he felt. Which he's never been able to do. I think that's what has me so shook up is that not only do I completely understand how he is feeling, but the fact that the reason I do understand is because I have felt the very same way.
Although he may not comprehend it right now, I told him that he and I were much more alike than he even realizes.
The text messages that hit me the hardest were (note: these are verbatim):
Matthew and I were texting each other a short while ago. I finally got a few things off my chest about how I felt like he had taken advantage of Henry's and my generosity while he was living here.
I told him that from where I stood, he looked like an ungrateful, self-centered, selfish young man. I also told him I thought he was a jerk (seriously!) for the way he treated me when he was here and for the things he said about me to his friends -- that made their way back around to me.
I'm not sure which disrespectful comment he made about me is worse; that he thinks I'm a "douche bag" or that he "absolutely despises" and "hates" me.
I know -- it's not really much of a toss-up. Hearing how much Matthew "hates" and "despises" me cut through the marrow of my bones.
In the course of our texting I began to see Matthew a little (but not much) more clearly because he actually told me how he felt. Which he's never been able to do. I think that's what has me so shook up is that not only do I completely understand how he is feeling, but the fact that the reason I do understand is because I have felt the very same way.
Although he may not comprehend it right now, I told him that he and I were much more alike than he even realizes.
The text messages that hit me the hardest were (note: these are verbatim):
"No > ya raised to look out for myself and no one else > take care of me mom you don't understand how it is to not grow up with your parents ok i love you > wanted to have you and my dad i love you both and i only had one of you do you know what that is like i think highly of you but you guys just don't understand how i feel about anything"
"I don't know how to talk about it it is hard for me to express my feelings in words its like a deep empty whole in my chest and a feeling of being completely and utterly alone"
My response to Matthew, to the second message, was this:
"Matthew, I have that same big, empty hole in my chest...and it's been there since the day I let you and Connor go...14 years now I have lived with it...Matthew, the enormous pain of that decision has almost, literally, killed me...a few times...Believe it or not, you and I are more similar than you realize..."
The overwhelming pain I feel in my heart typing -- and re-reading -- these messages has sucked the air out of my lungs and I feel like I am suffocating all over again...if only I could disappear into the shadows...
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