Health Update ~ Emotions

Walking into the endocrinologists office today, Henry and I were expecting to find out which parathyroid gland was flipping out and to hopefully schedule surgery to have it removed. While we did find out which gland is causing all these problems and where it is located (lower left), we could not be given a date for surgery because the endocrinologist managing my healthcare does not perform them.

Instead, I had to contact a separate office to schedule a surgical consult for June 1st. Which was the earliest I could be seen. So we still do not have a date for surgery and I have to wait an additional 24 days to even get to the point of scheduling one.

What Henry and I were NOT expecting was finding out that the 24-hour urine test and the newest set of labs, requested by the endocrinologist, have turned up yet another health issue: Hashimoto's Disease.

In the span of maybe ten minutes it was confirmed that I would need minimally invasive surgery to remove the screwed up parathyroid gland and that there was a chance I might have to have a second surgery, with a much larger scar, if the surgeon was not able to locate it on the first attempt. I also heard Hashimoto's disease and the need for an ultrasound (scheduled for Monday, May 11th).

My head was spinning and I essentially shut down. My brain was having great difficulty processing the information just given to us and there was absolutely no way I could handle any additional input at that time. When we finally left the endocrinologist's office the only thought roaming through my head was "I cannot possibly handle finding out about me having another serious health issue".

Our ride to a restaurant for lunch was pretty quiet because both of us are frustrated at a process that is moving too slow in solving these problems and yet, at the same time, we know there is nothing we can do to speed it up.

During the ride several thoughts occurred to me.

• I was wondering if having the VNS installed was a mistake and if all of my depression symptoms were related to my parathyroid and thyroid glands.
  I want to know if that one final piece of clarity needed in my brain -- essentially the last leg of the journey of Coming Into the Light -- will be solved by curing the hyperparathyroidism and treating the Hashimoto's Disease.
• I know exactly when the fog in my brain was lifted, where I was and what I was doing at the time. I know what that one moment of clarity looks like, feels like and tastes like because I've had it once before. Unfortunately, that sense of piece was very short-lived.It was March 2007. Henry and I were on a chairlift at our local snowboard area and vividly recall turning to him and saying "I feel good. My brain is clear, my thoughts are clear, everything seems so much brighter."

See, up to that moment I was living my life in shades of gray. The world around me was so dull and lifeless that when that moment hit me it was as though somebody had turned on a great big spotlight and pointed it directly at the world around me.

Two weeks later, at one of our most favorite snowboarding resorts, I fell and broke my elbow. Sitting here now, and looking back over the two years since then, I can say with almost absolute certainty that that is where I began falling apart all over again. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Could it be that my fractured elbow two years ago was the beginning of the serious health issues I am experiencing now? Could it be that my broken nose in May 2008 accelerated the downward spiral and that my broken foot almost four months ago was the screaming and rattling wake-up call I needed to be a lot more attentive to my physical health?

Is my current depression, fatigue, memory problems, mood swings, sleep disturbances, irritability, and muscle aches attributable to something other than the lack of chemicals in my brain?

These are just a few of the many symptoms of hyperparathyroidism, hypercalcemia, and Hashimoto's Disease that I am experiencing and I've been blaming it on the chemical imbalance (BiPolar) in my brain.

I feel like a burden to my family. I feel as though I've let my husband down; something I seem to be inadvertently doing a lot of lately. I am sick and tired of being "sick and tired".

Right now I feel like death waiting to happen. Except if it comes, it won't be by my own hand. It will be by something I have absolutely no control over.

Isn't it ironic?