Settling In

I've been at my new office a little more than two months now, and I can definitely feel a huge difference being away from the stress and drama of the other office.  My sleep is still all over the place, yet there is not much that can be done about that.

I am also continuing to hang around people that add joy to my life, or at least have a neutral influence, so they aren't sucking the energy and life out of me.  I keep my circle of close friends small for exactly that reason.

Recently I attended my 30th high school class reunion and I enjoyed it more than I had anticipated. I brought a friend, a non classmate, with me and that helped a lot with keeping the anxiety at bay. It felt strange to be talking about grandchildren with people I have known since 7th grade, and many I have known since kindergarten.

Memory issues still plague me — residual effects of the electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) I received in 2004 — and I suddenly found myself finally telling a certain classmate about it, because every time I see her she mentions me spending the night at her house and how much fun we had and I have absolutely no recollection of it. She always looks at me expectantly to share my own side of the memory and — nothing.  I've got nothing.

Having had ECT's is not something I hide, in fact, I have no qualms in telling people about it basically for no other reason than to dispel myths about it, and about mental health disorders in general.  The occasion and the location just made sharing this information slightly awkward — more for her than me I suppose.

In June I flew to a Marine Corps Recruit Depot and watched my son Connor as he graduated from Marine Corps boot camp.  Connor looked amazing and I was so over-the-moon proud of him I almost couldn't stand it!  The traditions that the Marine Corps has as they graduate their recruits is really something that has to be seen in person to achieve the full-blown chillbumps affect. There really are no words to describe it.

That was the up-side of my two-day trip.

The downside was having to deal with Connor's dad and (almost) ex-stepmother.  See, I get it. They don't know that though.  They are too busy shunning me and keeping me away from Connor to realize that I Get It.  They raised him. I get it. I'm not taking any credit for that. I get it. BUT, I am still his mother. THEY don't get that. They never have. Because I'm the one with a mental illness and they sheltered Connor from me. Fuck them.

I always have been, I always will be, Connor's mother. Like it or not.

Training for the next class of ski patrollers started last week and I have taken the first step (of MANY) onto the path to be an instructor for outdoor emergency care training so I am at every class observing.  I will also be taking classes soon to become certified to teach CPR/AED for adults/kids.  I wish it would start snowing!

I see many things so differently now. Wow. A lot of stops and starts in trying to sort everything out — and I am in a good place now. I have been able to compartmentalize some things, let go of a lot of things and, essentially, burned what was left.  I am finally allowing myself to feel happiness without having to fake it.

Moved on.