Junebugs

I am sitting next to an open window, in one of my favorite chairs, in the living room of my tiny apartment.

I just finished reading my entire blog from beginning to end and there were several things I had forgotten about. Reading about the beginning of the end of Henry and I living in the same state was difficult to do. Reading about the beginning of our relationship - from Yahoo! emails to me stopping him near the mailboxes to tell him I knew who he was and then quickly scurrying back to my apartment, to him coming to my door a short while later, to falling in love, and being in love and happy - to present day was a sad crawl down the memory ditch and I only slightly wish I had not done that.

Reading about my grandmother's death was not easy either.

Several years ago I wrote about my mother and I sounded empathetic about her life.  Tonight, after reading that post, I want to rip her head off. Especially because in nine days it would have been she and my dad's 57th anniversary. After they were divorced, she found great pleasure in calling my dad every year to wish him "Happy Anniversary".  Before I felt enormous hatred toward my mother for doing that, I thought it wrong. If I knew then what I know now about my mother, I would have disabled both of her arms because it was CRUEL.

In 21 days it will be Henry's and my 15th wedding anniversary. We've been apart for 7 of those. On our 10th anniversary I sent a card to him in New York. I was beyond devastated when the card came back to me a few weeks later stamped 'no forwarding address on file'.  When I finally got Henry on the phone, which was a feat in and of itself, I asked him why he didn't tell he was moving/had moved. With no affect whatsoever, he replied,

"I did tell you."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"No, Henry, you did NOT tell me."

I still have that card, unopened, in a moving box somewhere in my storage unit.

He has never acknowledged our anniversary in the years we've been apart; he won't this year either.  While I, the dumbass that I am, actually unpacked our wedding rings today - and slipped mine on my finger. I've been wearing it around my apartment all day.

Surreal.

Definitely surreal.