My Sons

I have chosen to not write much about my boys because, I miss each of them so deeply, the pain that comes when l think about them burns like an inferno.

I saw Hunter a little over a year ago. I hadn't seen or talked to him in about three years. I had called him around Christmas time (by leaving messages on both his dad's phone and his stepmother's phone) to ask if he would like to join his oldest brother Matthew, daughter-in-law Monica and grandson Xavier at Grandpa's house. Of course Hunter never called back and I had no idea if they told him I called.  When I finally got Hunter on the phone to ask him about Christmas, his reply stunned me,

"I don't want anything to do with you or your fucking family. It's because of you that I didn't see my dad and you kept putting me in hospitals instead of letting him take me."

W H A T ! ?

I have written so much about Hunter on this blog as well as about his dad (DH) and stepmom. I have even written about many, probably not all, the times Hunter's dad gave Henry and me excuse after excuse after excuse about why he couldn't pick Hunter up for the weekend, or why he couldn't come to family meetings when Hunter was in the hospital, or why he didn't go to parent/teacher conferences or IEP review.

DH's excuses were: 

1. Car (trouble, flat tire, broken down, no gas and no money for gas)
2. OTR driving (still out of town, semi broke down, flat tire)
3. Bullshit.
4. Complete and utter BULLSHIT

His bullshit excuses include, yet not limited to, something very important came up, somebody died, wife has car...on and on and on.

After hearing the 'not enough gas and no money to put gas in it' excuse one too many times, Henry suggested we give him money so Hunter could see his dad and I agreed. Every time DH backed out, Henry and I had to pick up the pieces of Hunter's disappointment and sadness. The next time DH tried to back out of seeing Hunter because of money/gas, we offered him $50. DH couldn't say YES fast enough. Hunter of course had no idea we did that, at least from Henry and me.

In April of the following year my cell phone rang and the caller ID indicated it was from Hunter's high school. My heart sunk. The school hadn't called me after Hunter moved to his dad's house, and seeing the school name on my phone brought flashbacks. I answered the phone and was surprised to hear Hunter's voice.

He said, "Mom, I need a favor. I need my birth certificate and social security card."

I replied, "Well Hunter, after telling me you wanted nothing to do with me and my fucking family, I am not able to do that."

"But mom, it's important. I need them for a job."

"I'm sorry, Hunter. Your dad can get a copy of your birth certificate and your social security card. He should know how to do that."

Hunter was NOT happy. He yelled a few not very nice words and slammed the phone down.

As much as I wanted to help him, I just couldn't do it. Not helping him broke my heart.

I didn't see or talk to Hunter until the end of March 2016. Among other things, I missed his high school graduation. I had been fretting for a long time about how he was doing, whether or not he was still alive (not joking), if he still lived with DH, etc. 

One day, when could no longer handle not knowing, I left work and drove to DH's house. I was thinking while driving that this surprise visit could go one of two ways, or both. Either DH stuck a loaded gun in my face, which he's done before, and Hunter could rage at me. (Been there done that, too.)  Or they slammed the door in my face, provided someone actually opened it.

My whole body shook while I walked to the back door because. I didn't know what to expect. I knocked on the door. I heard the dog bark and people moving about inside the house, yet nobody came to the door. I waited about 5 minutes before knocking again. The dog was still barking and a body flew past the window on the door and down the basement stairs. It was Hunter. I waited another five minutes (and wishing the dog would just shut the hell up) and knocked again. After the fourth knock, the stepmom finally answered the door. I asked if I could talk to Hunter and she yelled down the basement stairs that I was there and that I wanted to talk to him. I was surprised when Hunter came to the door and asked him if we would come outside to talk. He did.

I wanted to cry when I saw him because (1) he was still alive, (2) he had grown so much since the last time I saw him, and (3) I was so happy to see him.

I asked him how and what he was up to (college), how graduation was (he hated the cap and gown) and whether or not he was doing okay (yeah).

The amount of time we spent talking was too short and I told him he could call me and I would take him for lunch or dinner. That has not happened.

I will close this post now because it is too difficult to see the keyboard through tears.

Hunter Bear, I love you and miss you more than you could ever know.