Did I?

Since my conversation with Henry, where he was finally able to tell me that he had no business being in a relationship at the time we first met, I have not allowed myself to spend even a nanosecond thinking about it. Until now. And I am already fighting back tears.

Thinking about where he was really at when we met is crushing. Not for me; for him. Imagining the amount of energy it took for him keep up the facade day after day, year after year, is mind boggling. It could not have been an easy thing for him to do when Hunter and I needed so much from him for so long. Had Hunter and I not been so needy, would Henry have ducked out many years before he actually did? Yes, I believe he would have.

Within that same conversation I asked Henry why he never said anything to me, he replied, "I did". Was I really that fucking oblivious or deaf or blind to not hear him? How the fuck did this go on for so long without him saying anything? Why didn't he shake me to get my attention? Why? Why? Why?

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. What the fuck.

Do I doubt if he ever really loved me in all the ways he said he did? Sometimes. It would be a lie if I said that I didn't. Knowing what I know now, I do believe he loved me on some level. I'm just not really sure what level that was.

It's hard to not write or think about the first, last, and ever only true love of my life in the past tense. While I have offered multiple times to stand by him and help if he needs it, I know he won't take me up on that offer. See, he is already gone.

Then again, I never really had him to begin with - did I?