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If the world knew how broken I feel inside and that I am in a bottomless pit of hurt and shame, it would surprise everyone.

For the past 6 months or so I have been living the self-imposed life of a hermit - and it is worsening. Sure, I get up and go to work - always on time, I might add - yet in the hours spent outside of work, I am camped out in my apartment. I enjoy the peace and quiet. No sound of constantly ringing phones, dealing with women/girls that are too clueless and without enough common sense that I wonder how they dress themselves, yet alone procreate. The entitlement mentality of many of our patients is so rampant that, at the end of every day, when I haven't told a patient exactly what I'm thinking, I pat myself on the back.

I digress.

When I am not working, or attending a medical related appointment, I am safely inside the 4 walls of my abode.

I discovered ordering groceries on-line, then driving to pick them up. Because they load my groceries into my car for me, I am in and out pretty quickly.

Laundry is a whole other adventure. I can't decide if I should be happy or worried that I have enough clothes to do laundry every other month. My scrubs, on the other hand, are not as plentiful, although I do have enough for two weeks. I hand wash and hang dry my scrubs at home.

I have zero desire to date, so I don't. I don't hang out after work with co-workers. I just don't have the patience or energy.

Am I becoming one of those old cat ladies (without cats)?

If the world knew that Connor and Hunter have shut me out of their lives, deliberately, having both been force fed one side of extremely complicated stories - most of which are blatant lies - about me from their dads.

Still, I am holding out for the day Hunter and Connor decide they want to hear what I have to say. Ironically enough, I have this blog as well as numerous handwritten journals where I have captured almost everything about how hard I have tried establishing relationships with them. Hunter and I were extremely close right up until he decided to move to his dad's house. The relationship Hunter and I developed over the first 15 years of his life were completely destroyed within the first month Hunter was with his dad.

Do I blame everything on the dad? Oh hell NO! There are many, many things that I could have, would have, should have done. Like fight harder for all of them - Matthew included. I should have stood my ground with Hunter's dad, and I should have stood my ground with Connor's dad too.

The only person to blame is me.

I suck.