Dreams

It's been said that our sleeping dreams are representative of worries or conflicts needing resolution. While I mostly agree with that explanation, I must add that, for me, awakening from many of them is pure torture.

In a dream last night I received a text message from my son Hunter and in that message he apologized for cutting me out of his life and wanted to become part of mine again.

When I awoke this morning and checked my text messages, I found nothing from Hunter.

Crushed.

Not too long ago I had a dream about Henry where I felt his kiss on my cheek and heard him say "I love you". He was wearing a blue/green shirt (I dreamt in color!) and I could smell his aftershave.

I awoke sobbing, my pillow was wet with tears - and Henry was gone. Only the scent of his aftershave lingered.

Crushed.

The reality of dreams like these only push me further into myself, fortify the walls I have built around my heart while I sink deeper into the abyss.

It doesn't matter how deeply I love someone, I cannot twirl a magician's wand or click my sparkly red shoes three times to make them love me in return. I don't have a secret potion that would bring me home to the man I love more than life itself.

What I DO wish I had was a crystal ball. Something I could gaze in from time to time to see if the path I'm on is the right one, if I need to change direction or if I should disappear completely.

More than that though, I would like to know if, along my path, I find Henry, Connor and Hunter patiently waiting for my arrival.

Instead
Of
Only
In
My
Dreams

Could my dreams be the crystal ball...?