Rollercoasters

(Ed Note: I started this post on Monday, June 17, 2019.)

This entry has been rolling through my brain for days and I'm not sure if I even have the ability to convey how badly my heart is hurting.

This coming Wednesday Matthew will accept a plea deal and be sentenced to prison. Last I heard, from his attorney, is that the prosecutor has "come down to" a ten year sentence. We are all hoping the sentence is less than that, obviously, yet I cannot stop feeling as though any length of time at all will be the end of his life. My heart hurts.

Monica will help Xavier in every way she can, Dan, Holly, and I will do everything we can to support both of them and pray that all of us are able heal from such a horrible breach of trust.

Is that even possible?

How can I help Xavier and Monica heal when I can't even heal myself? How do I help Matthew when what he's done to Xavier - I can't even say it.  I just can't bring myself to say out loud what Matthew has done.

I choke on my own memories as they ricochet through my body and throw me to the floor and all I can manage is a silent scream.

Wednesday, June, 19, 2019

Today was court and the case was adjourned until July 10th. Minutes before the case was called, the prosecutor offered 9 1/2 years. Matthew's attorney opted to adjourn instead so there could be more negotiations.

I just got off the phone with Matthew and he said something to me that no one has ever said to me before. Ever.  He said, "I don't know if these are the right words or not, but I'm proud of you for making the decision you did." (About sending Matthew to his dad and leaving Connor with his dad.)

As soon as I finish this 1.5L of Moscato, I will pour myself into bed. Well, I may have to finish it IN bed.