Thinking

I can't help but wonder when I will wake up from this hellish nightmare. The days keep stacking up on top of me and there is no place safe for me to run to. It's just me. Friends I thought were friends really weren't friends at all.

Too many years of stuffing down my feelings has made me emotionally numb. Until today I didn't know what to call it - emotionally numb - it fits like a glove.

An excerpt from a Psych Central blog about Childhood Emotional Neglect:

7 Signs That You are Emotionally Numb (Jonice Webb PhD)

1. At times, you feel experience a physical sensation, especially in your belly, chest or throat (but can be anywhere in your body, of emptiness.
2. You sometimes watch yourself going through the motions in a situation, perhaps even when you know you should be feeling happy, sad, connected or angry. Yet you feel nothing.
3. You frequently question the meaning or purpose of your life.
4. You have suicidal thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere.
5. You are a thrill-seeker. Thrill-seeking is often an attempt to feel something.
6. You feel mystifyingly different from other people. The lack of connection to your feelings does set you apart. You may feel like other people are living a more vivid life than you are.
7. You often feel like you’re on the outside looking in. Your emotions should be connecting you to others, and instead, they are holding you separate.

FINALLY a person has summed up these things I have been thinking about for years.

Emotionally Numb. Feeling Nothing. Thinking Everything. Hating myself more and more every day.

Playing the victim? Nope. Everything, every decision, every act, every word belong to me and me alone. I blame ME, hands down. Did other people contribute to the hatred I have for myself? Only inasmuch I internalized everything going on around me. 

I am by far my worst enemy.

My stepmom likes to tell me to stop blaming my mother for everything wrong in my life. If it didn't piss me off so badly to hear her say that - it turns into something laughable later on - I would tell her this:

I don't blame my mother for ANYTHING wrong in my life. She's a lying whore and she didn't factor in my life at all because she wasn't around enough to bother with me. End of story.

My mother will spend the rest of her pathetic life knowing what my brothers did to me and because she refuses to believe it, she will NEVER have any sort of relationship with me. Ever.

I called her a few weeks ago to tell her what was going on with Matthew so she heard it from me first and not my pathetic siblings. She thought, at first, that it was a social call. "Oh, honey, it's SOOO GOOD to hear your voice! How are you doing?" I shut that shit down right quick.

Instead of hearing what I was saying to her she was asking me questions about my life. I kept steering her back to the topic at hand. I finally hung up on her. Fucking. Clueless.