VNS - Part 2

I have been dealing with depression for most of my life. I was officially diagnosed at the age of 18 and started taking antidepressants. I turn 40 in May. I have what is known as "treatment resistant depression" (or TRD) and started a new form of treatment this year. I have been on (and off, and on and off) antidepressants since then.

I have tried suicide (OD) three times. I have been psychiatrically hospitalized more than 10 times since 1995. I have had 11 elctro-convulsive therapy (ECT or "shock") treatments.

I have four sons and a step son. I miscarried one of my sons in 2005. I have the best husband in the world. (Really!)

I have been seeing the same psychiatrist for about 5 years. Last year he recommended I look into VNS and I did. On January 8th the stimulator was inserted in my chest and connected to my left vagus nerve. On January 22nd the stimulator was activated and now goes off every five minutes for thirty seconds.

The stimulation is painless, although it feels like I have something stuck in my throat. (The vagus nerves (there are two) run the length of your body -- from the cranial nerve and touches all your organs.) I have two inscision sites -- one to the left of, and beneath my left collarbone (where the simulator is) and one above my left collarbone where the wires are connected to the vagus nerve in my neck. (Which is why it feels like I have something stuck in my throat.) When the stimulator is activated I feel pressure in my throat.

I have a lot of hope for this treatment but I know I have to be patient. Some patients see results early in the treatment, others can take years. I hope I'm in the former group and not the latter. I am part of a registry with Columbia University and will be tracked for 5 years.

Falling asleep and staying asleep have always been problematic for me -- even with meds. Since the stimulator has been active I have getting some good REM sleep because I'm dreaming. I haven't had dreams in forever! It feels good.

My state of mind is all darkness right now. I see everything in shades of gray. I picture the VNS to wash over me in full color. I hope I am not wrong. I have no energy and was on paid medical leave from my job since November 2006, I went back to work yesterday. Will I survive? In addition to having the best husband in the world, I have the best employer in the world, too. Seriously. I am truly blessed.

I hate feeling like this. I have felt like this for so long that I don't know how to feel any other way. I am tired of faking the smiles and sunshine and just want a way out of this torture. Suicide is still on my mind but I have made a promise to my therapist and psychiatrist that I won't do anything stupid. I have made the same promise to my husband. It doesn't mean I don't think about it, because I do. Every day.

I'm tired of taking pills that don't work but if I don't take them I am much worse off. What little function I have bottoms out totally. So here I am -- a legal drug addict. :-)