I met with Malissa (therapist) tonight and she gave me a lot to think about. We talked about a lot of things and I walked away feeling a little lighter. Not so much "freer" but I took some weight off my soul, and I needed that.
I told her I didn't know who I was, what my purpose was and why I was here. In all the chaos and drama I feel as though I lost "me" somewhere along the way.
I can't even put into words the emptiness I feel inside. I mean the complete emptiness.
I can't gather emotions to identify; I can't open my mind and heart to let the holiday spirit come in. I feel so bah-humbug and I can't because I have four boys to bring the thrill of Christmas to.
I've never been a big fan of the holiday's to begin with -- my excitement over what Christmas Eve/Day meant ended in 1978. Although Grandmother kept me believing in the miracle for a long time after that. Her home -- and in her presence -- were where I belonged. She loved unconditionally and forgave our faults. Her faith and spirituality shone bright around her.
How I long for the holidays at her house. Her traditions of food, decorations, generosity. Her home overflowed with love and warmth and familiarity.
God, please guide me in recreating what I can of those days with her. Guide me toward the light that shined brightly around her. I've lost my way, my faith and spirituality have been tested to the nth degree and I need to be guided back to the right path. I need you, God, to help me find the strength, the energy, the desire to continue this journey. I'm beaten down and I want to change that. I want to give my all to you and your power of love and guidance. I can draw strength and knowledge from you, but I don't know where to start. God, please help me find my way back to you and the path you've chosen for me. I know what I need to do from there. Amen.
I told her I didn't know who I was, what my purpose was and why I was here. In all the chaos and drama I feel as though I lost "me" somewhere along the way.
I can't even put into words the emptiness I feel inside. I mean the complete emptiness.
I can't gather emotions to identify; I can't open my mind and heart to let the holiday spirit come in. I feel so bah-humbug and I can't because I have four boys to bring the thrill of Christmas to.
I've never been a big fan of the holiday's to begin with -- my excitement over what Christmas Eve/Day meant ended in 1978. Although Grandmother kept me believing in the miracle for a long time after that. Her home -- and in her presence -- were where I belonged. She loved unconditionally and forgave our faults. Her faith and spirituality shone bright around her.
How I long for the holidays at her house. Her traditions of food, decorations, generosity. Her home overflowed with love and warmth and familiarity.
God, please guide me in recreating what I can of those days with her. Guide me toward the light that shined brightly around her. I've lost my way, my faith and spirituality have been tested to the nth degree and I need to be guided back to the right path. I need you, God, to help me find the strength, the energy, the desire to continue this journey. I'm beaten down and I want to change that. I want to give my all to you and your power of love and guidance. I can draw strength and knowledge from you, but I don't know where to start. God, please help me find my way back to you and the path you've chosen for me. I know what I need to do from there. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment