It has been a long day. Actually it's just one in a long string of them.
Matthew's grandfather, Mike, passed away early this morning and that hurt. We knew it was inevitable, but it still hurts.
I talked with Matthew this afternoon but I couldn't read him. He internalizes his feelings to the point that some day he'll bust open. I'm trying to coach him in a different direction -- but I don't seem to be getting through. I'm hoping we can spend time alone together and that he'll let me in.
I understand how it feels to bottle every emotion up and hide it away -- and I also know how long it took me to work through all of it. Layer upon layer, anger, pain, guilt, anxiety.
The holidays are already so far on the bottom of my list of priorities.
Do we attempt the holiday decorations and fake our way through?
Do we call a family meeting, take inventory of everyones emotions and go from there?
Are the kids feeling the same way? Bah-humbug? Are they on autopilot, just trying to get through the days, wishing the year would just end?
Is it possible all of us could be honest about what the holidays mean to us? What they REALLY mean?
I continue to grasp at the wonderful memories of Christmas' past, but I can't seem to bring the warm emotions with them.
For as dysfunctional as we were, Christmas seemed like a break from all the nonsense. So many events are deeply ingrained and -- good or bad - we continue to review them. Rewind, fast forward, slow motion -- it's all the same. We grew older but the baggage followed us. I feel that, at this point in my life, I have freed myself from 98% of the baggage.
I had to forgive people that don't even know I have forgiven them. Do they deserve it? Not really -- but I didn't do it for them, I did it for me because I needed to move on.
I visited Hunter tonight. DH (Hunter's dad) actually showed up but didn't stay for the scheduled meeting with Michelle (therapist). Something about his car lease ending and buying. Total lies, I'm sure.
Henry joined via conference call and it felt so much more "normal" for me. He knows how far we've come -- he knows all there is to know about Hunter. He is Hunter's "dad", DH will never be that because he is way too selfish. He won't commit to Hunter and Henry and I are left to pick up the pieces. Nothing new, but it is getting old. We can't make DH be something he's not and I know he will disappear again. He always does.
Hunter and his well-being are number one priorities. Thanks to Hawthorn we are able to make Jake, Connor and Matthew #1, too. Something long overdue and, our hope is, not too late.
The shift of schedules and responsibilities still has us spinning but 26 days into his residential treatment we are still trying to readjust.
Michelle validated our hard work, motivation and devotion to help Hunter. She said she rarely sees families so involved and participatory.
I'm not sure about how Henry felt hearing that, but it thrilled me no end.
Hunter is still slow to follow directions, easily agitated and frustrated and transitions are still a huge hurdle for him. My guess is he has progressed very little on the goals they've identified for him. I told Michelle I thought Hunter would be there six months or more.
She seemed very slightly surprised at my statement. Which makes me wonder how far off base I am.
DH and I were able to discuss a few things during our visit with Hunter. I explained Medicaid, CMH (Community Mental Health) and SSI and that his Friend of the Court (child support) payments were considered income for Hunter.
I also explained if the parents were responsible for any financial contributions that I would send him the bill and proof of payment for him to reimburse us. I told him he had a certain number of days to pay or FOC would get involved.
I brought up what FOC was doing: credit bureau, suspending his driver's/CDL license and order him to go before the judge -- NOT the referee, the JUDGE. Which means he will have one of two choices, pay now or go to jail.
I'm truly offended that after all Hunter, Henry, Jake, Connor, Matthew and me have been through he chooses how to play dad. He won't stick around. His track record speaks for itself. This will undoubtedly set Hunter's progress backwards a great deal -- something he can't begin to grasp.
I was finally able to talk with my dad about Grandmother's passing and I feel so much better. I still hurt and long for her, but I was able to share my feelings with someone who was there at the end.
Sunday is THE Christmas party at Brother #2's and I am actually looking forward to it. Odd, I know, but I feel at peace with it somehow. Something tells me this will be one of the few times most of us will gather as a family and we should enjoy it for what it is. Having most of my nieces and nephews there will be wonderful. I haven't seen so many of them in such a long time -- niece #2 especially.
My sister will be the only sibling not in attendance because she and her husband went to Arizona to see mom and step dad for Christmas.
I have been trying to take inventory of my emotions most of the day but I can't seem to identify them. I'm calm, introspective and philosophical -- odd for me.
Matthew's grandfather, Mike, passed away early this morning and that hurt. We knew it was inevitable, but it still hurts.
I talked with Matthew this afternoon but I couldn't read him. He internalizes his feelings to the point that some day he'll bust open. I'm trying to coach him in a different direction -- but I don't seem to be getting through. I'm hoping we can spend time alone together and that he'll let me in.
I understand how it feels to bottle every emotion up and hide it away -- and I also know how long it took me to work through all of it. Layer upon layer, anger, pain, guilt, anxiety.
The holidays are already so far on the bottom of my list of priorities.
Do we attempt the holiday decorations and fake our way through?
Do we call a family meeting, take inventory of everyones emotions and go from there?
Are the kids feeling the same way? Bah-humbug? Are they on autopilot, just trying to get through the days, wishing the year would just end?
Is it possible all of us could be honest about what the holidays mean to us? What they REALLY mean?
I continue to grasp at the wonderful memories of Christmas' past, but I can't seem to bring the warm emotions with them.
For as dysfunctional as we were, Christmas seemed like a break from all the nonsense. So many events are deeply ingrained and -- good or bad - we continue to review them. Rewind, fast forward, slow motion -- it's all the same. We grew older but the baggage followed us. I feel that, at this point in my life, I have freed myself from 98% of the baggage.
I had to forgive people that don't even know I have forgiven them. Do they deserve it? Not really -- but I didn't do it for them, I did it for me because I needed to move on.
I visited Hunter tonight. DH (Hunter's dad) actually showed up but didn't stay for the scheduled meeting with Michelle (therapist). Something about his car lease ending and buying. Total lies, I'm sure.
Henry joined via conference call and it felt so much more "normal" for me. He knows how far we've come -- he knows all there is to know about Hunter. He is Hunter's "dad", DH will never be that because he is way too selfish. He won't commit to Hunter and Henry and I are left to pick up the pieces. Nothing new, but it is getting old. We can't make DH be something he's not and I know he will disappear again. He always does.
Hunter and his well-being are number one priorities. Thanks to Hawthorn we are able to make Jake, Connor and Matthew #1, too. Something long overdue and, our hope is, not too late.
The shift of schedules and responsibilities still has us spinning but 26 days into his residential treatment we are still trying to readjust.
Michelle validated our hard work, motivation and devotion to help Hunter. She said she rarely sees families so involved and participatory.
I'm not sure about how Henry felt hearing that, but it thrilled me no end.
Hunter is still slow to follow directions, easily agitated and frustrated and transitions are still a huge hurdle for him. My guess is he has progressed very little on the goals they've identified for him. I told Michelle I thought Hunter would be there six months or more.
She seemed very slightly surprised at my statement. Which makes me wonder how far off base I am.
DH and I were able to discuss a few things during our visit with Hunter. I explained Medicaid, CMH (Community Mental Health) and SSI and that his Friend of the Court (child support) payments were considered income for Hunter.
I also explained if the parents were responsible for any financial contributions that I would send him the bill and proof of payment for him to reimburse us. I told him he had a certain number of days to pay or FOC would get involved.
I brought up what FOC was doing: credit bureau, suspending his driver's/CDL license and order him to go before the judge -- NOT the referee, the JUDGE. Which means he will have one of two choices, pay now or go to jail.
I'm truly offended that after all Hunter, Henry, Jake, Connor, Matthew and me have been through he chooses how to play dad. He won't stick around. His track record speaks for itself. This will undoubtedly set Hunter's progress backwards a great deal -- something he can't begin to grasp.
I was finally able to talk with my dad about Grandmother's passing and I feel so much better. I still hurt and long for her, but I was able to share my feelings with someone who was there at the end.
Sunday is THE Christmas party at Brother #2's and I am actually looking forward to it. Odd, I know, but I feel at peace with it somehow. Something tells me this will be one of the few times most of us will gather as a family and we should enjoy it for what it is. Having most of my nieces and nephews there will be wonderful. I haven't seen so many of them in such a long time -- niece #2 especially.
My sister will be the only sibling not in attendance because she and her husband went to Arizona to see mom and step dad for Christmas.
I have been trying to take inventory of my emotions most of the day but I can't seem to identify them. I'm calm, introspective and philosophical -- odd for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment