I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated.
Did I mention I am frustrated? Mmmmmkay...
I am so tired in seeing the world in shades of gray. I am tired of being so tired all the time. I saw my doc last week and he added another med to my regimen, Lithium, which I have been on before. Trouble is that after having ECT's I cannot remember whether it worked or not so I haven't filled the prescription yet.
Sigh.
The only side effects I remember having from it are hand tremors, severe dry mouth and being more sensitive to the sun than I usually am. Having fair skin and a boat it is already difficult enough to stay out of the sun. Adding Lithium to my body will make it worse because it will take less exposure to the sun to fry my Casper-white skin. (Yes, I use sunscreen -- and I still burn.)
I tell myself every night as I'm falling asleep that tomorrow is a new day and when I awaken I will see the world in 120 Crayola Colors. When I open my eyes on the new day, I'm sadly disappointed.
The doc also adjusted my VNS a little so now instead of feeling like I'm being choked when it activates every three minutes, I have that awful feeling you get right before coming down with the worst sore throat of your life. Except it only lasts for 30 seconds.
Henry has complimented me a few times over the past six weeks or so about how I am better at handling my mood swings; that I am better able to keep my moods from escalating into a full-on BZ. I actually complimented myself on the same thing, except tonight it finally occurred to me that I really have no control at all. I just stuff it as far down my throat as I can and I clamp my mouth shut. Then I try to hide. Except I feel that hiding has not been an available option since May 1st.
Ending my life is always on my mind. It's never been about being dead so much as it is to have complete and total silence in my brain. I just want the world to stop so the millions of people like me can catch their breath and figure out what to do next without resorting to killing themselves.
What a concept.
Did I mention I am frustrated? Mmmmmkay...
I am so tired in seeing the world in shades of gray. I am tired of being so tired all the time. I saw my doc last week and he added another med to my regimen, Lithium, which I have been on before. Trouble is that after having ECT's I cannot remember whether it worked or not so I haven't filled the prescription yet.
Sigh.
The only side effects I remember having from it are hand tremors, severe dry mouth and being more sensitive to the sun than I usually am. Having fair skin and a boat it is already difficult enough to stay out of the sun. Adding Lithium to my body will make it worse because it will take less exposure to the sun to fry my Casper-white skin. (Yes, I use sunscreen -- and I still burn.)
I tell myself every night as I'm falling asleep that tomorrow is a new day and when I awaken I will see the world in 120 Crayola Colors. When I open my eyes on the new day, I'm sadly disappointed.
The doc also adjusted my VNS a little so now instead of feeling like I'm being choked when it activates every three minutes, I have that awful feeling you get right before coming down with the worst sore throat of your life. Except it only lasts for 30 seconds.
Henry has complimented me a few times over the past six weeks or so about how I am better at handling my mood swings; that I am better able to keep my moods from escalating into a full-on BZ. I actually complimented myself on the same thing, except tonight it finally occurred to me that I really have no control at all. I just stuff it as far down my throat as I can and I clamp my mouth shut. Then I try to hide. Except I feel that hiding has not been an available option since May 1st.
Ending my life is always on my mind. It's never been about being dead so much as it is to have complete and total silence in my brain. I just want the world to stop so the millions of people like me can catch their breath and figure out what to do next without resorting to killing themselves.
What a concept.
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