I'm Frustrated

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated.

Did I mention I am frustrated? Mmmmmkay...

I am so tired in seeing the world in shades of gray. I am tired of being so tired all the time. I saw my doc last week and he added another med to my regimen, Lithium, which I have been on before. Trouble is that after having ECT's I cannot remember whether it worked or not so I haven't filled the prescription yet.

Sigh.

The only side effects I remember having from it are hand tremors, severe dry mouth and being more sensitive to the sun than I usually am. Having fair skin and a boat it is already difficult enough to stay out of the sun. Adding Lithium to my body will make it worse because it will take less exposure to the sun to fry my Casper-white skin. (Yes, I use sunscreen -- and I still burn.)

I tell myself every night as I'm falling asleep that tomorrow is a new day and when I awaken I will see the world in 120 Crayola Colors. When I open my eyes on the new day, I'm sadly disappointed.

The doc also adjusted my VNS a little so now instead of feeling like I'm being choked when it activates every three minutes, I have that awful feeling you get right before coming down with the worst sore throat of your life. Except it only lasts for 30 seconds.

Henry has complimented me a few times over the past six weeks or so about how I am better at handling my mood swings; that I am better able to keep my moods from escalating into a full-on BZ. I actually complimented myself on the same thing, except tonight it finally occurred to me that I really have no control at all. I just stuff it as far down my throat as I can and I clamp my mouth shut. Then I try to hide. Except I feel that hiding has not been an available option since May 1st.

Ending my life is always on my mind. It's never been about being dead so much as it is to have complete and total silence in my brain. I just want the world to stop so the millions of people like me can catch their breath and figure out what to do next without resorting to killing themselves.

What a concept.

Home at Last!

The past five days, to say the least, have been rough on our whole family -- especially Hunter. Both of his elbows, wrists, forearms and the backs of both hands are black and blue from IV's and blood draws. The last IV bubbled up overnight so the nurse removed it this morning and because we had received word he would be going home today they didn't have to reinsert it. Yeah, Hunter!

His last Lithium level was .5 so it has almost completely cleared his system. We will not be giving him Lithium anytime in the forseeable future because I just can't put him through that again. A few people have asked why his p-doc wasn't doing blood draws regularly and my answer is "I don't know." If anybody should know about the importance of Lithium levels, it's me because I took it once-upon-a-time. Yeah, I've about beaten myself to death over it. The guilt has almost consumed me.

On the downside, there is still large amounts of blood in his urine and all the information I have received on the possible reasons why has been conflicting. One doctor, in particular, told me Lithium does not affect the kidneys then later the same day told me it does. Today he told me it does not. He also told me the bleeding should stop within the next two weeks then he told me it could take six months. The Nephrologist that FINALLY came to see us (I had been asking for three days) today told me Lithium can affect the kidneys and that in a month or so the damaged cells would be replaced with new cells and the blood should disappear from his urine. Yeah, I'm shaking my head, too. The internet, surprisingly, is of little help in this matter, too. And I'm an internet search wizard.

Tuesday morning Hunter was carrying on quite an animated conversation with a zebra walking across the wall and a spider behind the chair in the corner of the room. There were various other animals involved, too, but I only remember the zebra because he was talking to the zebra about his stripes. Tonight Hunter walked down to his dad's house (we live a stone's throw apart) for dinner and when he came back an hour or so later he was completely out of breath. It was obvious he had been running but he told me he was running from somebody following him and that that person had followed him into our house and sleeps in his bed. Yeah, I'm shaking my head here, too. My jaw dropped when Hunter told me he wish he had a gun so he could shoot the guy who followed him home.

So, tomorrow I need to get him an appointment with a new p-doc (the same one I'm seeing for my VNS) for a full evaluation.