The following are scattered thoughts and happenings from July 28th to the wee hours of July 31st.
A few days ago I had an appointment at my local Social Security Administration office to apply for SSI benefits for Hunter. My first impressions were quite unfavorable because the amount of parking places developed for the stand-alone building did not even come close to meeting, much less exceeding, the number actually needed.
Ironically enough, after my Jeep and I created our own parking space next to a curb, the number of seats available for consumers also fell far below the number of people, in reality, that were occupying the tiny waiting room. In short, the Government expected way too much of the small spaces they were trying to cram people and vehicles into.
My appointment was for 1:30 p.m. and thankfully they ran pretty close to on-schedule.
My name was called, I was shown to a window with a chair and then introduced to two women. The first, a new employee, and the second her mentor. My first impressions immediately flipped upside down and found both women to be both very friendly and extremely helpful.
In the end Hunter was denied benefits for three reasons. The first, my understanding is, that the facility he is currently in is classified (not sure of the reason for needing a "classification") as an "institution". Secondly, the facility receives more than 50% of their money from Medicaid and lastly, Medicaid would take the sporadic child support money I receive for him (considered income for Hunter) and give him $37 per MONTH in return for personal incidentals (shampoo, toothpaste, etc.).
On that same day I had a follow-up appointment with my Endocrinologist. My parathyroid and calcium levels are still too high and he explained that by increasing my daily intake of Vitamin D to 3,000 mg three months ago, these levels should come down. Memo to you, Doc ~ they're NOT coming down. My thyroid level is acceptable which means the Hashimoto's disease is not progressing at a very fast pace but my calcium and parathyroid levels are still way to high and I feel like crap!
As usual, they drew five (5) tubes of blood to check my parathyroids, thyroid, calcium, and ionized calcium. I return to him in three months.
Again, on the same day, I received an unexpected blessing in the form of money (child support) from Hunter's dad. Because I was not added to the new bank account Henry opened, and I have not received a paycheck in four weeks and won't receive another one for approximately four more weeks, I have been relying on child support to pay for things for Hunter and incidentals (and gas to get back and forth to visit Hunter) for myself.
This blessing could not have come at a more perfect time. Honestly.
After making this wonderful discovery, I stopped at the office supply store and, quite sadly, purchased a do-it-yourself "Divorce Kit"...
There are "86,400 seconds in a day so we have to live like we're dying."
When you leave, you take my memories with you...
In the wee morning hours of July 29th, Henry finally admitted out loud to me that he wanted a divorce.
Shredded, devastated, deflated, betrayed, overwhelmed, sad, paralyzed, afraid, bawl bag, losing my best friend and LOML, I won't make sense, exhausted, relieved that limbo is finally over. OMG...
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG ... these words resound loudly in my head. I cannot believe this is happening.
For the first time in a very long time, Henry and I talked. I mean really talked. He finally shared that for the past 2 1/2 years, since around January 2008 -- when I lost my job -- Henry has felt that this marriage "just wasn't worth it anymore". Sadly, I had only been feeling something was amiss for the past year or so.
The mother of a very dear friend of mine (my high school sweetheart, to be exact - we've known each other almost 30 years and have stayed in touch off and on) had a brain tumor removed recently.
A few days ago the doctor's discovered a brain bleed. She has a heart condition (including a defibrillator) and takes Coumadin (a blood thinner).
My understanding is that due to these two things, and her overall health, they can do nothing for her. She has been in and out of consciousness since then.
Thursday night the family must have felt a little bit of hope when Roberta managed to see a little bit of j-ello, pudding, and mashed potatoes and gravy.
Last night I traded text messages with Tom and he mentioned his mother was now home (I'm assuming it's because there is nothing else the doctor's can do) and that she was next expected to last through the weekend.
My heart breaks for one of my oldest and dearest friends and I pray that God gives him and his family what they need to get through this devastating time.
During "the" talk Henry and I had the other night I asked him if it was okay if I kept my married name. This question, coming on the heels of two requests I made of him that threw him into complete anger, he told me he had to think about it. A pain shot through my heart and I let the question drop. In all the marriages I've had, this particular last name is the one that feels like home. Later, Henry apologized for his reaction to that question and told me he felt flattered that I wanted to keep his last name and that it was okay if I did.
Late Thursday, July 30th.
Feeling little clarity today. Seems some of the fog has lifted from my brain and I can actually feel my pores breathing for a change. The pain is inexplicable and untouchable, and it feels like I'm drowning, yet I see a snorkel in the distance. Does that mean a tank is not far behind?
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
A few days ago I had an appointment at my local Social Security Administration office to apply for SSI benefits for Hunter. My first impressions were quite unfavorable because the amount of parking places developed for the stand-alone building did not even come close to meeting, much less exceeding, the number actually needed.
Ironically enough, after my Jeep and I created our own parking space next to a curb, the number of seats available for consumers also fell far below the number of people, in reality, that were occupying the tiny waiting room. In short, the Government expected way too much of the small spaces they were trying to cram people and vehicles into.
My appointment was for 1:30 p.m. and thankfully they ran pretty close to on-schedule.
My name was called, I was shown to a window with a chair and then introduced to two women. The first, a new employee, and the second her mentor. My first impressions immediately flipped upside down and found both women to be both very friendly and extremely helpful.
In the end Hunter was denied benefits for three reasons. The first, my understanding is, that the facility he is currently in is classified (not sure of the reason for needing a "classification") as an "institution". Secondly, the facility receives more than 50% of their money from Medicaid and lastly, Medicaid would take the sporadic child support money I receive for him (considered income for Hunter) and give him $37 per MONTH in return for personal incidentals (shampoo, toothpaste, etc.).
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
On that same day I had a follow-up appointment with my Endocrinologist. My parathyroid and calcium levels are still too high and he explained that by increasing my daily intake of Vitamin D to 3,000 mg three months ago, these levels should come down. Memo to you, Doc ~ they're NOT coming down. My thyroid level is acceptable which means the Hashimoto's disease is not progressing at a very fast pace but my calcium and parathyroid levels are still way to high and I feel like crap!
As usual, they drew five (5) tubes of blood to check my parathyroids, thyroid, calcium, and ionized calcium. I return to him in three months.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Again, on the same day, I received an unexpected blessing in the form of money (child support) from Hunter's dad. Because I was not added to the new bank account Henry opened, and I have not received a paycheck in four weeks and won't receive another one for approximately four more weeks, I have been relying on child support to pay for things for Hunter and incidentals (and gas to get back and forth to visit Hunter) for myself.
This blessing could not have come at a more perfect time. Honestly.
After making this wonderful discovery, I stopped at the office supply store and, quite sadly, purchased a do-it-yourself "Divorce Kit"...
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
"Slap that horse in the ass; with my last dying gasp my brother could hear me say
Give me some water 'cause I shot a man on the Mexican border
Cool, cool water
Give me some water"
(Eddie Money)
Give me some water 'cause I shot a man on the Mexican border
Cool, cool water
Give me some water"
(Eddie Money)
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
There are "86,400 seconds in a day so we have to live like we're dying."
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
When you leave, you take my memories with you...
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
In the wee morning hours of July 29th, Henry finally admitted out loud to me that he wanted a divorce.
Shredded, devastated, deflated, betrayed, overwhelmed, sad, paralyzed, afraid, bawl bag, losing my best friend and LOML, I won't make sense, exhausted, relieved that limbo is finally over. OMG...
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG ... these words resound loudly in my head. I cannot believe this is happening.
For the first time in a very long time, Henry and I talked. I mean really talked. He finally shared that for the past 2 1/2 years, since around January 2008 -- when I lost my job -- Henry has felt that this marriage "just wasn't worth it anymore". Sadly, I had only been feeling something was amiss for the past year or so.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
The mother of a very dear friend of mine (my high school sweetheart, to be exact - we've known each other almost 30 years and have stayed in touch off and on) had a brain tumor removed recently.
A few days ago the doctor's discovered a brain bleed. She has a heart condition (including a defibrillator) and takes Coumadin (a blood thinner).
My understanding is that due to these two things, and her overall health, they can do nothing for her. She has been in and out of consciousness since then.
Thursday night the family must have felt a little bit of hope when Roberta managed to see a little bit of j-ello, pudding, and mashed potatoes and gravy.
Last night I traded text messages with Tom and he mentioned his mother was now home (I'm assuming it's because there is nothing else the doctor's can do) and that she was next expected to last through the weekend.
My heart breaks for one of my oldest and dearest friends and I pray that God gives him and his family what they need to get through this devastating time.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
During "the" talk Henry and I had the other night I asked him if it was okay if I kept my married name. This question, coming on the heels of two requests I made of him that threw him into complete anger, he told me he had to think about it. A pain shot through my heart and I let the question drop. In all the marriages I've had, this particular last name is the one that feels like home. Later, Henry apologized for his reaction to that question and told me he felt flattered that I wanted to keep his last name and that it was okay if I did.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Late Thursday, July 30th.
Feeling little clarity today. Seems some of the fog has lifted from my brain and I can actually feel my pores breathing for a change. The pain is inexplicable and untouchable, and it feels like I'm drowning, yet I see a snorkel in the distance. Does that mean a tank is not far behind?
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