Lather, Rinse, Repeat

A few days ago I met with my psychiatrist for a med review and a check of the VNS (Vagus Nerve Stimulator) implanted in my chest and broke down and cried.  I have shed a couple of tears in his office before and was able to pull myself together easily.  This time however the tears were plentiful - although not in a sobbing kind of way (I did that later in the privacy of my own bedroom) and not as easily wiped away.  Gratefully, my psych allowed my appointment with him to run over and eventually asked *that* (dreaded, awful, painful, terrifying, paralyzing) question.

Yeah.  *THAT* one.

Much credit is given to him however because in the 5+ years he has been treating me, he has never pushed or admonished me for not saying 'yes' to this one (dreadful, awful, painful, terrifying, paralyzing) question.

Yep.  *THAT* question.

Whenever the question has been asked (*that* dreaded, awful, painful, terrifying, paralyzing question), I have given always given him a reasonable and brutally honest answer to it.

Quite simply; I just cannot go there again. I cannot bear to start over with someone new.  Again.  Although I *know* I need to - especially now, in a desperate kind of way - the thought of actually doing it fills me with an unbearable feeling of dread and overwhelming anxiety.

It's not because I believe it would be of no help, because at some point in the future the benefit will certainly outweigh the painful process it will take to get there, I just. Cannot. Go. *THERE*. Again.

I have made peace, at least I think I have, with certain parts of my past; or, at the very least, moved on.  Yet in order to get from 'here' to 'there'; in order to understand how I arrived to the place I am currently, I have to go 'back'.  And going 'back' will stir up emotions, at least I believe it will, of those parts I have (at least I think I have) moved on from.

Therein lies the problem that has had me rooted in my answer up to that point of him asking that question (*that* dreaded, awful, painful, terrifying, paralyzing question) again just the other day.  'NO'.

Psych:  "Have you thought again about talking to someone...?"

Me (crying): "..............is there someone you can recommend......?

He recommended a therapist in his office, Karen, and at the front desk I scheduled my next appointment with him - and my first appointment with Karen.  Which just happens to be TODAY.

Lather.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Again.