No Escape

I keep thinking that if I run fast enough, jump high enough, cry hard enough, sleep long enough that the gut-wrenching pain will just disappear.  I know that I am only lying to myself because in reality there is no escape from it.  There is always something -- some thing -- a sight or smell, the feel of a certain fabric, the sun, rain or wind on my skin; or a sound, like a song or a crotch-rocket, or a newborn baby's cry, that can instantly drop me to my knees.  

My brain never stops whirling, twisting, humming and haunting every moment I am alive.  I have so, so, so many questions.  For Henry. For God.  God and I are going to throw down for sure.

I have spent the past 2 1/2 years questioning everything I thought I knew about myself -- good, bad and otherwise.  I have spent the past 2 years questioning everything I thought I knew about a man I believed was the one true Love of My Life.  The man I was meant to spend forever with.  The man who told me over and over that I was the Love of His Life and the woman He was meant to spend forever with too.

These are things I should not be questioning.  The 14th anniversary of the day we met face-to-face for the first time is less than two weeks away and I can feel the knot in my stomach growing larger and I want to get into my car and drive all night and stand on the doorstep of his house and say "WTF?!?!"

Yet I won't.  My fear is that he will slam the door in my face, provided he even opens it at all.  He and I both know how we got from May 12, 1999 to July 2010.  We both know where the fractures started and how they spiraled out of control and when I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and his answer was yes, that, I thought, was that.  

Yet before he drove away in moving truck, filled with most of his belongings, three months later, he wanted to work on us finding our way back to each other.  Believing he was sincere, I agreed.

Everything that happened after that -- the things he knew about himself before he left, the things he learned about himself after he was settled in the other state, the difficult position he put me in between him and his parents, whom I absolutely adore, by sharing information with me - then forbidding me from sharing that information with his parents.  

In February 2012, ten months after he put me in that difficult position with information that was literally eating me up inside, and making me physically sick, because it affected me as well, the stress of it became too much and I called his sister and eventually his parents were told. Needless to say, Henry was p i s s e d.

Everything Henry said he wanted for us as he was moving out and for the first few months after the move were lies.  Total and complete lies.

One thing I have figured out is that Hunter and I were not the only people in our blended family with mental health issues.  Henry hid his very, very well by chalking things up to my mental health and, after ECT's, memory issues.

Maybe I really am smarter than the average bear eh, Henry?