Hard Headed

Stubborn, bullheaded, pig headed, a pain in the ass — you name it, that's me.  I sometimes don't know when to give up — or give in — even when the end is blatantly staring me in the face.  It's not that I don't like to lose, because, in all honesty, this has nothing to do about winning or losing. Quite frankly it's a no winners/no losers situation from my viewpoint, although I am sure others may very well disagree.

For five years I have struggled with (and begged for answers) why things ended the way they did.  Sure, Henry has given me little snippets of what he says are reasons, that make very little sense to me given their cryptic nature, and I have tried to take them at face value without much success.  Until recently.

What makes recently so much different than 8 months ago, when I drove to New York to see him?  Several things; an epiphany of sorts.  I woke up one day and took a personal emotional inventory and discovered I was so deeply unhappy and miserable, that I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror.  How could I smile, and be caring and friendly to my patients day after day when on the inside I was an emotional black hole?  I have long known that the only person responsible for MY happiness is ME and I was finally in a position to do something about it.

First up, I changed jobs.  The multi-physician, multi-disciplinary practice I was working at was so poorly managed, cramped, loud and chaotic and the front desk staff actually hissed at people (not joking) and the back office staff, where I was, were pitted against each other — after 6 1/2 years, it had almost — almost — completely sucked the life and soul out of me.  I love my job yet hated reporting to that office everyday.  So when my favorite physician decided to go into private practice with her physician husband and asked me if I would come work for them, I didn't hesitate to say yes.

That change, in and of itself, was the beginning of a new mindset and I no longer felt like I was walking around with an emotional black hole in my chest.

Secondly, personally and professionally, there are people who have come into my life that not only complement my life, they also compliment me.  I cannot even begin to describe how much that has affected my well-being and my desire to be happy and more productive instead of mopey and sad.  Now when I smile at my patients it is coming from a genuinely happy place inside of me and I no longer feel like such a fake.

Thirdly, I have been growing my hair out for many years and it finally reached way past the middle of my back (when it was wet, it dries shorter due to the natural curl).  Yesterday I got a hair cut and now it barely reaches my shoulders.  F.R.E.E.D.O.M.

I read somewhere once that when a woman makes a drastic change to her hairstyle she is about to make a drastic change in her life.  For me, that has almost always been true.  All the way back to high school.

I still can't control my brain, or turn it off to sleep, yet at least I have finally found some peace and happiness and I will enjoy it for as long as I possibly can.

I'm movin' on.