...and I am so damn close to completely folding up inside myself and putting a bullet in my brain. Then I no longer have to feel like such an enormous disappointment to my kids. I won't feel like an afterthought or a last choice. I will finally stop feeling guilty for trying to do what I thought was in their best interest when, clearly, now, I was wrong there too.
Never.
Ever.
Ever.
Enough.
For.
Anyone.
Ever.
The problem with my plan is, I don't even own a gun. I overdosed twice, on purpose, and failed. Miserably.
My kids hate me. They do. They won't admit it to my face though. Connor's feeling were crystal clear when, in October of this year, he got married and I wasn't invited. In fact, I found out about it 2 weeks after the fact, when I opened FB and saw a picture of him and his new wife. It would have hurt so much less if he would have just kicked me in the chest.
I don't know where Hunter is, or how he is doing. I am terrified for him and the anxiety of that worry is eating me alive.
Matthew and I stay in regular contact.
Please, God...if you have plans for me, now would be a really good time to reveal them to me. Because if you don't, I will be left to my own devices. And it won't be pretty.
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