Since receiving Kay's texted tirade I have done a lot of thinking about the things she said and the way in which they were said and decided that I am going to dissect her message word-for-word, line-by-line and see where that takes me. As posted earlier, this conversation happened through text messaging.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Carrie 8:59 pm: This isn't working very well with Jack.
Kay 10:42 pm: I don't know what your (sic) going to do there's no one else ho has stepped up to the plate. Maybe you should be grateful. Carrie I'm going to tell you this. You want to blame your mother for the way you are the way you are. You've had 50 years to work on it. She was only there 10 or so. You've become a demanding know it all. You want to let people know how smart you are.
[Edit: Kay is correct that nobody stepped up to the plate - except Henry, who handled the financial end. I am grateful that Jack is letting me stay here temporarily even though we are driving each other crazy. Speaking of "grateful", Jack definitely needs some education in that department. HE is the most ungrateful person I have ever met. As far as dealing with my mother's shit, Kay's math is way off here. Considering I have only learned about my lying, whoring mother over the past 12 - 18 months, that definitely does not add up to 50 years.]
Carrie 10:54 pm: First, I am grateful for Jack. Am I supposed to kiss his ass to prove it? Secondly, I am not blaming my mother for everything wrong in my life. Thirdly, I have NOT had 50 years to deal with all this about my mother. Lastly, I would rather be thought of as a know it all and proven wrong than act like a dumbass woman who can't fend for herself. I had NO problem whatsoever staying in a shelter. You and dad are the ones who put me in this position. Tomorrow I will be doing exactly that. I don'need this fucking shit.
A demanding know it all is even better because it means I won't let the average assholes walk over me.
Kay 10:59 pm: You've become selfish. A victim. Ungrateful. Demanding. Who wants to be around that. Why don't you become great full (sic) for what you have. Humble. God helps those who help themselves. Stop pushing the envelope everywhere you go. You alone can change your life and stop trying to change others. Start saying thank you, I appreciate what you're doing for me. How can I help you. This is not all about Carrie. Your behavior effects (sic) others and its (sic) effecting (sic) your dad. I won't let that happen. You know I love you but only you can change your life to the person everyone wants to be around and the person you want to be.
[Edit: Selfish? No. Introvert? Absolutely. Again referring to Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition of introvert/introversion are: one whose attention and interests are directed toward one's own thoughts and feelings : one whose personality is characterized by introversion : the state or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life. Victim; yes. I have been a person who has been cheated, fooled, or hurt by another. I have also picked myself up and kept right on going. Ungrateful. Merriam-Webster dictionary states : not feeling or SHOWING thanks for favors, gifts, etc. If doing dishes, sweeping (actually MOVED) every piece of furniture to do a thorough job and mopping floors - doesn't show my appreciation, that's HIS problem. Yesterday I was finally able to fill the fridge with my Bridge card. Was I thanked? No. Or was it because Jack is letting me stay here that he doesn't need his manners anymore?
Carrie 11:25 pm: I don't know what you've been smoking, but I am NOT selfish, I do NOT view myself as a victim. I am never ungrateful and sure as fuck am NOT demanding. Not a single one of you know what I fight every day. Not a single one of you has a clue - yet I am the person who must conform to YOUR standards. Yet I am the who must act normal, defined by a group of "professionals". Walk a mile first, Kay, then we'll talk.
My dad and I had THE worst fight EVER earlier this afternoon. In fact, I think it was the very FIRST fight of THAT magnitude we have ever had.
Friday night I moved all of my stuff out of Jack's house and into my car and the POD and left. Just drove off. I had had enough of Jack and his neanderthal bullshit. I drove straight to the Community Mental Health Crisis Center because I was going to do something -- I didn't know what it was but I was all kinds of crazy and out for blood. Most certainly my own.
Part of the fight included Kay's text messages -- to which my dad agreed with. I couldn't believe it. Chalk up another betrayal. He wasn't even on my side. He said, "I've always been on your side." No, Dad, no you haven't. You still think it's the medication I take that makes me crazy and irrational. It doesn't even register in your brain that the medication is what KEEPS ME ALIVE. You told me I would regret our
You were pissed off at me because I wrote on FB about trying to get into the VOA for shelter for the evening and commented on seeing your former business name stamped in the concrete. "Do you know how EMBARRASSING that is for me? For people to see?", he yelled. Sorry Dad, I didn't even give that a thought because I was being SELFISH and thinking ONLY OF MYSELF and MY MENTAL HEALTH. I know, I'm playing the victim here. I was being being ungrateful and demanding. Again.
I wish I knew what it would take to get you AND Kay (since she seems to be your puppet master) to understand, first, what mental illness IS and second how it affects me, PERSONALLY. Yet, somehow, I know you won't. The two of you will just continue the telephone game by passing the stigma forward. It literally just occurred to me. My father won't learn about mental illness -- MY mental illness -- because he is ashamed of me. How dare one of his children be mentally ill?? That just can't be, which gives Kay perfect opportunities to continue to fill his head, and Jack's head, with lies about what mental illness is and what mental illness isn't.
Let's pretend they're all correct and I do not have a mental illness. Why in the flying fuck would I subject myself to 11-- ELEVEN -- treatments of electroconvulsive therapy? What about the Vagus Nerve Stimulator (VNS)? That was major fucking surgery. If I weren't diagnosed with a mental illness then why would I subject myself to that? Come on, Dad, explain that to me. Don't look at Kay. Don't let her answer for you either
Oh, OH! The biggest piece of bullshit of the argument my Dad contradicted himself several times. And I let him know that.
First he told me that all I was doing was sleeping here while looking for a job and I could just ignore Jack and everything would be fine.
In the next breath my Dad said because "I was sitting on my ass all day doing nothing" there was no reason why I couldn't keep the house clean.
I called him out on it. I told him I am not a live-in maid. I am looking for a job. And I definitely will not be a live-in maid to someone who not only doesn't appreciate it, he takes advantage of it.
So I put together a little list for Mr. Jack. If my dad is forcing me to stay here against my will, then there are going to be some rules and I guaran-damn-tee you Jack is going to go absolutely bat-shit crazy. Yet he's just as stuck as I am. HAHA motherfucker!
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