City Doctors

Another doctor appointment to check the status of parathyroid hormones, vitamin B12, vitamin D and serum calcium. The sleep apnea study showed nothing yet I believe if they did an in-lab study as opposed to a home study it would show the severe muscle and body jerks that keep me from falling to sleep too many nights to count. I have muscle jerks that move entire body across the bed. Which I find kinda creepy.

For the vitamin B12 deficiency I am giving myself injections at home and last night was the first dose as the doctor sent the prescription to the wrong pharmacy.

The vitamin D deficiency is being treated daily with 2,000 units daily plus 50,000 units weakly. Hopefully it is helping my bones absorb more calcium instead of excreting it into my blood which, in turn, causes me to feel so crappy all the time. Adding high parathyroid hormone to the high calcium in my blood and I feel extra crappy. Oddly enough I had one parathyroid gland removed in 2009 and since then every doctor I visited - including the doctors I worked for - have said, "Let's wait and see" or something equally stupid. 

FINALLY I found a doctor who didn't dismiss my concerns and is actively helping me find the answer.

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The city I am currently living in is definitely NOT for me. I am so wretchedly homesick for the area I was forced to leave and I wish desperately to go back there. This area I live in has more bad memories attached to it than I realized at first, and I just want to go home. Were it not for the terrific job I have, I would pack up and leave. After finding a new job, of course.

I have not yet visited my dad and stepmom, and they haven't extended an invitation for me too and because of the huge elephant in the room...I don't really know how all of this will end up, and being that I always think the worst and hope for the best I have already accepted the fact, sort of, that what happened last fall could be the end of my relationship with my dad.

If Henry were here I would ask for his advice and guidance on how to handle this situation. It was because of Henry that I even ventured out to reestablish my relationship with my dad.

I cannot ever imagine telling my kids exactly what Kay said to me when they were standing in the midst of Hell and trying to survive. What she said was not only kicking me when I was down, she built a hole, shoved me in it and threw dirt on top of me. What she did was mean and evil. Simple as that.  Then finding out that my dad, who actually told this to me on the phone, agreed with her...I felt completely obliterated.  The odd thing about the whole thing is that I did not, and I would not have, asked them for any type of help. All I wanted, what I needed most, was for them to just be there. 

Instead I was drawn and quartered.

I realize I am not the only person in the world to feel as though they are their own entity. Meaning, whatever decisions I make, whatever heartbreak I have - and I have too many to count - the only person I can count on is myself. And I am my own worst enemy. 

The. 

Worst.

It is as though I have completely caved into myself and I cannot let anybody in. Not even a pinky toe. Because I was blessed, for a time, by the greatest love of all given to my by the one and forever only true love. I KNEW I was loved by Henry. Not because he said he loved me, and not because of the special gifts he gave me. I knew he loved me by the way he looked at me and by the way he touched me. We didn't have to say anything at all because the feeling of being loved didn't need words.

Henry and I made some amazing memories, as a couple and as a family. I cannot ever, EVER, remember feeling so happy in my life. Feeling as though I was part of something; that I belonged. Many people wait an entire lifetime to feel the way I felt. It was something I felt from our very first conversation - May 12, 1999 - and it scared the hell out of me. "If it's too good to be true..."

Because of past relationships, it took a while for Henry and I to trust one another. I don't think it took Henry as long as it took me to trust him, as a man, to trust the feelings he brought forth, and to trust the relationship as a whole. I have said before that Henry and I had to actually learn what a good relationship was, and it wasn't easy for either of us. Well, it wasn't easy for me because I was unmedicated and could go from zero to full BZ (Bitchzilla) in a matter of seconds.

Henry was so amazingly patient with me, from the very beginning of our relationship, and although I gave him many (Many!) reasons to, he never raised his voice to me. Henry never called me derogatory names either. And, again, I gave him so many reasons to.

When I was trying to find help for Hunter, Henry helped me fight with school administrators and doctors and therapists. When I was going through my own mental health issues, Henry stood beside me through it all. When Hunter and I were in different hospitals, on opposite ends of the earth, at the same time Henry  was there for Hunter and me.

Although I'm sure I probably didn't tell Henry often enough how much I appreciated him, and appreciated everything he did and how grateful I am that he stood beside me while Hunter and I both tried to get help.

There is no question in my mind that Henry sacrificed a lot for Jake, Hunter, Matthew, Connor and me. No doubt at all. Without complaint.

Looking back I can see what was probably the beginning of our end; the night in 2004 when I deliberately overdosed. I believe that Henry, even now 13 years later, has never and will never forgive me for that. I believe that he saw me in a completely different light after that. He never said so, of course, yet I still believe things changed between us that night.

Henry and I liked to have dinner and lunch with friends. Sometimes it would be a snack like a cup of coffee. In fact, Henry suggested we do so even though I warned him repeatedly that he would change his mind about hanging out with friends so much. Henry of course didn't heed my warnings and what I told him would happen, happened. Since I enjoyed spending time with friends, I continued to hang out with a few regularly even though Henry didn't much care for them. So, me being me, turned into a stubborn bitch and spent even more time with friends and, many times, Henry didn't even know.  Not only do I regret agreeing that Henry and I should see friends more often, I regret that I spent time with people Henry didn't like, and behind his back.

The end became crystal clear to me when, on our 7th anniversary, I had major surgery, with complications of course, and Henry pretty much stayed away. The one visit he did make, beyond driving me to the hospital then, 3 days later, driving me home, he brought me a bunch of magazines, stayed for what seemed like only a minute, then left.

The next month, after badgering him for weeks, he finally answered my question, "Do you want to divorce?". His answer was "Yes". I was completely crushed. Although I was pretty sure of what his answer might be, hearing him say "Yes" finally dropped the other shoe, something he said would never happen. And it  something I told him from the very beginning was my biggest fear and would eventually come to pass. This had happened to me again and again and not just with husbands and boyfriends, but friendships as well.

If I had known then what I now know, I still would have taken the chance anyway. Otherwise I would never have experienced the greatest love from the most amazing man. I was not only loved, I loved him with everything I had. I was all in.

If I had known then what I know now, and if I could have seen Henry was battling demons of his own and if Henry had actually shown signs of trouble, maybe I could have helped him and he would have stayed. Not being one to show anything other than happiness, unless Henry told me, it was a no-win situation.

It was until about 6 or 8 weeks ago that Henry actually shared with me what it was he was doing battle with. Although he did not go into details about exactly what was happening, I didn't push him to share more.  I wanted to in the worst way, yet I knew he would not have disclosed anything more and if I did push it would end badly.

Every now and again I tease Henry by saying I know he still loves me and misses me, and his answer is always the same; he doesn't agree or disagree with me.  The past few days I have wondered if his ambivalence has anything to do with him wanting to fight the demons all by himself. Which is something Henry has done since the day we met. Not being able to be supportive and stand next to Henry until he comes out the other side is tremendously difficult. Thinking about all the times Henry has been my rock and champion and not being able to do the same for him saddens me deeply.

Having such an incredible person in my life for so long, then not having him at all has been a difficult adjustment. In reality however I have not adjusted hardly at all.

In my craziest dreams I would never have thought that I would miss Henry saying "I love you" or miss all the idiosyncrasies and our secret language that made our relationship so amazing. I could not have known how much it would hurt, nor could I have known that it would launch me into a totally different world where Henry would not be.

There is nobody - NOBODY - that I want to spend the rest of my life with except Henry.

The collateral damage of Henry leaving is losing other people that you love and adore; his mom, dad and sister, to name a few.

All I can do is put one foot in front of the other in an attempt to keep moving forward instead of standing still.

* Apologies for all the misspellings. It is just difficult to type when you are crying because you can't see the keyboard.