Number Crunching and Waiting

Just as I started to drift off to sleep, the number '18' popped into my head. It took me a moment to figure out the meaning of this number.  It's the number of years Henry and I have been together; the last 7 years apart. We are still legally married, yet have completely separate lives. Had I known then what I know now ... would I still have taken the chance, or would I have the chance pass me by?

Just before Henry left, I went to a divorce support group and after he left I went a couple more times and realized that I didn't fit in there. Then I went to a grief support group once and realized I didn't belong there either. Although I still grieve my son, I also grieve for Henry and the enormous hole in my life where he should be.  Had I known then what I know now ... would I still have taken the chance, or would I have the chance pass me by?

In 2013, when I landed in the hospital for a pelvic mass that was initially diagnosed as cancerous, I contacted Henry to let him know what was happening. To say I was scared would be an understatement. I was completely terrified. Then having to wait several days for surgery while the doctor's completed additional testing only compounded that terror.  If I had known then what I know now, would I still have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

Later, after I was discharged from the second hospital, I looked back and realized that if anything could bring Henry to my side, it should have been that. Sadly, it didn't. If I had known then what I know now, would I have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

Still, not knowing what keeps him away, and why he left in the first place, has been a source of frustration for me and as much as I have (practically) begged for the reasons, none are forthcoming. Another source of frustration for me. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

Yesterday I was talking with a co-worker and told her the story of how Henry and I met and she thought that was so cool.  I told Henry from the beginning that he was too good to be true and that eventually the other shoe would drop and he'd be gone. He assured me over and over and over again that that would never happen. And I fought him HARD in the beginning because I had heard those assurances and promises and pinky-swears from others and it always ended before it began. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

I know Henry sacrificed just about everything for Jake, and I know that he sacrificed a lot for Hunter and me. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?