Number Crunching and Waiting

Just as I started to drift off to sleep, the number '18' popped into my head. It took me a moment to figure out the meaning of this number.  It's the number of years Henry and I have been together; the last 7 years apart. We are still legally married, yet have completely separate lives. Had I known then what I know now ... would I still have taken the chance, or would I have the chance pass me by?

Just before Henry left, I went to a divorce support group and after he left I went a couple more times and realized that I didn't fit in there. Then I went to a grief support group once and realized I didn't belong there either. Although I still grieve my son, I also grieve for Henry and the enormous hole in my life where he should be.  Had I known then what I know now ... would I still have taken the chance, or would I have the chance pass me by?

In 2013, when I landed in the hospital for a pelvic mass that was initially diagnosed as cancerous, I contacted Henry to let him know what was happening. To say I was scared would be an understatement. I was completely terrified. Then having to wait several days for surgery while the doctor's completed additional testing only compounded that terror.  If I had known then what I know now, would I still have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

Later, after I was discharged from the second hospital, I looked back and realized that if anything could bring Henry to my side, it should have been that. Sadly, it didn't. If I had known then what I know now, would I have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

Still, not knowing what keeps him away, and why he left in the first place, has been a source of frustration for me and as much as I have (practically) begged for the reasons, none are forthcoming. Another source of frustration for me. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

Yesterday I was talking with a co-worker and told her the story of how Henry and I met and she thought that was so cool.  I told Henry from the beginning that he was too good to be true and that eventually the other shoe would drop and he'd be gone. He assured me over and over and over again that that would never happen. And I fought him HARD in the beginning because I had heard those assurances and promises and pinky-swears from others and it always ended before it began. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

I know Henry sacrificed just about everything for Jake, and I know that he sacrificed a lot for Hunter and me. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have taken the chance, or would I have let the chance pass me by?

Calming Down

The craziness that has been my life for so long seems to be finally calming down.

The debilitating female health issues that have been plaguing me for the past 9 months are almost completely taken care of, the grueling, time consuming, intense four months of National Ski Patrol (NSP), Outdoor Emergency Care (OEC) classes and final exams are over and, let's not forget, the future of my marriage was finally decided by the other half. Although I disagree with his decision from the bottom of my heart, I also know that there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

I've written several posts about Henry and how I have always believed he was the 'Love of My Life' and my 'Soul Mate', and I will forever stand by those. All of the billions of moments we declared "forever" to each other and that we were "in love for the last time in our lives" (the latter from the movie "Murphy's Romance"), I now have to live with the gut-wrenching reality that it's over.

My mind cannot even begin to wrap around the idea of Henry walking out of my life because that has never been my mindset. It has never even been a fleeting thought. I cannot remember there never being an "us". HenryAndCarrie. CarrieAndHenry. Never one without the other and we loved being that way.

My brain has always been my worst enemy because of it being Bipolar. Replaying all the wonderful memories that I have of Henry and me has made it absolutely unbearable. Taking it to the nth degree of excruciating is the fact that Henry holds so many memories of mine that I lost/never registered because of Electro-Convulsive Therapy.

When he leaves, he takes my memories with him...

Happy New Year?

I wish that ~ more than anything ~ this year will be a happy year. So far it's not looking very good.

I have been loathing sitting down and adding a new entry to my blog. Until a few moments ago, literally, I couldn't put my finger on the reason why. It finally occurred to me that I am afraid of the tears.

I am not scared of the tears themselves, rather I am terrified of the emotions that are bottled up behind them. The emotions are raw, potent and deep and what bubbles to the surface now and again rock me to my core.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Hunter ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Today we went to court with Hunter regarding his assault and battery charges. In addition to a woman from Child Protective Services following us, Hunter now has a Probation Officer. In exchange for a guilty plea (which we planned all along because Hunter admits what he did), of the three cases pending, totaling six people assaulted, two of the cases (five people) were dismissed. The remaining case/charge is against his teacher.

How did CPS become involved you ask? Well, right before Christmas Hunter pulled a knife on his stepbrother with every intent on killing him. (Henry intervened.) I was asleep at the time of the incident and woke up the next morning to find a very large knife laying on a table near my side of the bed.

I was furious.

When I woke Hunter for school the next morning I bombarded him with questions and statements. "What were you thinking?!", "Do you have any idea what will happen to you if you kill somebody?!" On and on I went.

Up until that moment Hunter had never seen me so livid and I think at first it surprised him. I pushed (verbally) too far and Hunter became frustrated. When he becomes frustrated he gets angry, when he gets angry he becomes violent. When he walked away from me and descended the stairs to the first floor bathroom, I was right on his heels.

As I moved to grab his arm, a quick succession of punches were sent in my direction, landing in various places on my body. I fought back. That is until Hunter grabbed and tangled his one hand in my very long hair. Our bodies were so close together that the only body part of his exposed to me was an arm, so I bit him. HARD. By this time my stepson, Jake, had intervened and had Hunter pinned up against the bathroom mirror and Hunter let go of my hair.

When I retreated upstairs I heard Jake talking to Hunter and Hunter calmed down enough to finish preparing for school. Shortly after, and still shaking, I left for work and Hunter left for school.

Later that afternoon I received a call from the school nurse, someone who has known Hunter and our family since he was in kindergarten. She started off by saying she and the staff at his former elementary school and current junior high school were behind Henry and me 100%. She said everyone knows we are great parents and that we are totally involved with helping Hunter and that it hasn't been an easy road.

Then came the "but"...the teacher noticed the bite mark on his arm and they were required to report it to either CPS or the police and which one did I want them to turn to? I told her to call CPS because the police would defer us to them and it would just eliminate the monkey-in-the-middle.

So that's how CPS became involved in our lives. Although I don't *dislike* the CPS worker, she does have a tendency to annoy me greatly with her idiosyncrasies.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Relationships ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The stress of all things Hunter are more than enough for me. Unfortunately, on top of that, my relationship with my husband hasn't been what it used to be, although very recently, it has slightly improved.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Health ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

My health is still not the best and more issues have arisen that, in addition to their own set of symptoms, only exacerbate the tiredness and fatigue I already feel from the diseases we already knew about.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Activities ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

One thing I am fighting hard for is to stay active and not let the tiredness and fatigue cause me to sleep my life away.

I recently began training for the National Ski Patrol ~ even though I'm a snowboarder ~ at one of our local ski areas. Currently it's on-hill training, twice a week, (plus one duty shift a week) and it totally wears me out. Yet I LOVE the exhilarated feeling I get when I'm learning a new skill and I finally accomplish it, or I'm just free-styling wide-open down the hill.

Being outside ~ and in the cool air ~ is a bonus!

I am still viciously determined that 2010 be a much better year than 2009.

Only time will tell...

I'm Sorry

Truly, I am.

One Last Chance by Daughtry

Tell me what you need and I will find a way to stop the bleeding;
No, don't add to my mistakes.
Tell me you're not leaving and I'll tell you everything you need to know.
Don't throw it all away, don't say my words are just too late.

I don't want to be left behind, I've been so blind to all that I have broken.
Can we put this back together?
No more empty promises, they don't exist; just me out in the open.
I know this will take time, can you give me one last chance to make it right?

You say the story's ending but I think it's time we stop pretending;
No, can't let you turn the page.
Does your heart remember when we used to say forever, don't let go.
Don't throw it all away; don't say these words are just too late.

I don't want to be left behind, I've been so blind to all that I have broken.
Can we put this back together?
No more empty promises, they don't exist; just me out in the open.
I know this will take time, can we put the past behind us,
Tonight I'm gonna fight for you; just give me one last chance to make it right,
Last chance to make it right.

I don't want to be left behind, I've been so blind to all that I have broken.
Can we put this back together?
No more empty promises, they don't exist; just me out in the open.
I know this will take time, can you give me one last chance to make it right?

Give me one last chance to make it right,
A last chance to make it right
A last chance to make it right
No more empty promises, they don't exist; just me out in the open.
I know this will take time, can you give me one last chance to make it right?

~ Daughtry

Unwinding

I have often wondered of the married couples that come into our clinic, what happens to the surviving spouse when one of them passes away? Most of them have been married for 60+ years. How do you unwind your life from that of your beloved and move on? CAN you move on?

I'm not necessarily referring to material things ~ furniture, art work, the big screen television ~ because in some cases those will have to be dealt with if the surviving spouse is moving into an adult care facility or a smaller residence.

Last night I made a quick (3 1/2) round trip to my nieces house and during the ride I started thinking about this. Intently. Then I tried to overlay those thoughts on my marriage to Henry and asking myself what would happen if we were to divorce? What would happen to the "us" that has always been?

How would I unravel, unwind, disentangle myself from him and the life that took almost 11 years to build and just moments to tear to shreds?

I don't know who I am without him. And I should.

Life

Henry does most of the talking. He is so frustratingly articulate and freakishly analytical that I am completely defenseless and find myself frequently in the position of just listening. It's totally unproductive, but I don't know what else to do.

To give you an idea of what I'm up against, his favorite subject is (and always has been) physics. He qualified for MENSA and turned them down. He's also an Electrical Engineer. Matching wits with him is like bringing a straw/spitballs to an AK47 fight! LOL!

I am grateful to Henry for having always been not only constantly employed, but also for having a substantial salary. He has pretty much always sucked at chores, but he takes care of other things that more than make up for it. He sometimes works long hours, he frequently travels to work on jobs ~ sometimes for very long stretches, sometimes very far away and putting himself in danger.

A few years ago he flew for work to Germany, spending a little time in France and Italy, too. The travel status changed to high-risk, the American Consulates were saying "leave foreign countries NOW". His mom and I were begging him to get the next flight out before he was stuck there. Although he refused to fly home right away he didn't get "stuck". His mom and I could have choked him for putting us through that! LOL!

I've never doubted Henry's honesty or integrity.

Henry and I have been together for almost 11 years. Married 7 years last June. In all the years we've been together I have been, or at least it seems like, a constant patient in the health care system. Life with me has not been easy because of it. Our life with Hunter has not been easy either. Especially when we were trying to have him diagnosed. Especially the period of time I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. Especially when Hunter and I were in different psychiatric hospitals on the opposite sides of town. Especially when I went through Electro-Convulsive Therapy and lost six months of my "life" (memories ~ present at the time and a lot of past).

Henry, it seems to me, is always "rescuing" me from something. I feel like a perpetual damsel in distress. Part of my problem with him, for a while now, is that he doesn't see me as a woman; as his lover, confidante and wife. I feel as though he is always waiting for the next catastrophe to happen so he can swoop in and rescue me again.

Intimacy used to be overflowing in our marriage. Not just sexual, but emotional, too. There was a time when I honestly and truly believed there was no way to tell where he ended and I began. I used to tell him that without him, I didn't make sense.

Our intimacy is gone. We barely speak to each other. If we touch, it's purely by accident.

I can't continue to live life like this.

Random Thoughts

It seems I always think of things to write about when I am not anywhere near my laptop to actually write it down.

For instance today, at work, I was drawing up a flu vaccine when I started thinking about where I've been and where I am now. Kind of abstract, for the most part. As today progressed I zeroed in on more specific things.

Allow me to finish the following sentence:

"I never thought that..."

• ...that I would go back to school and I would finally be living a dream of working in health care.
• ...depression would wrap its chains around me so tightly and drag me so far into the darkness that I would survive more than one suicide attempt.
• ...that I would ever, in a zillion years, bury one of my children.
• ...I would have 11 Electro Convulsive Therapies. Nor did it occur to me the vastness of my memory loss because of them.
• ...my marriage would ever feel less than completely secure and that the turmoil currently surrounding it could be the end of it.
• ...I would be creating my own chaos. Again.
• ...my health, not my mental health, my physical health, would become so problematic and wrought with drama.
• ...Connor would still be so far away.
• ...my niece, Dayna, and I would become so close that I consider her one of my best friends, and like the daughter I never had, and have a daughter of her own that I feel like a grandmother to.

I look at where I've been and I look at where I am now and it boggles my mind that I'm still standing. I have these moments ~ a lot lately, it seems ~ where I feel like an outsider peering into my own life and the only reaction I can muster is to shake my head in disbelief. It's *that* mind-boggling.

Right now it's close to 1:30 a.m. and although I am tired as tired can be, I don't want to go to sleep. I have this overwhelming feeling that if I take time to sleep I might miss something important. Yeah, it sounds silly, but it's how I've been feeling for a very long time now. (The saying "you can sleep when you're dead" just popped into my head.)

My thoughts surf all over the place. All the time. As much as I try to, I cannot shut my brain off and I wake up feeling like I fought an army all by myself.

On the other hand, there are many nights that I want to go to sleep and absolutely never wake up. Thoughts of suicide are always rambling around in my brain, even though I don't speak about them. It's that "sleeping when you're dead" thing. I am 100% certain that a dirt nap will stop the whirling-twirling-spinning thoughts in my head once and for all.

Once and for all.

Say Anything by Edwin McCain

Say anything, save everything
If we say nothing, this love will die
Give me just one word, you can scream or whisper
If you want to stay with me, tell me why
Say anything

It's not that the words aren't there,
but they'd only fail my emotions
Just want to feel this way,
without chaining you down to some old cliche
You want water in my hands,
and we stand waist deep in the ocean
It's bigger than the sea, it won't let me

Say just anything, because I feel everything
I'd rather say nothing, than the same old lines
I think I give you more, something there's no words for
You don't have to hear me to feel me trying
To say anything

Baby I know you try,
but sometimes I still want to hear it
Even when the waters calm,
but lately it's just when there's something wrong
Why can't we splash around,
and hold on to that playful spirit
Oh like we used to do and won't you

Say anything, save everything
If we say nothing this love will die
Give me just one word, you can scream or whisper
If you want to stay with me tell me why
Say anything

This love is true
Even if you
Call it by a different name
And it's still the same, so we'll

Say anything, feel everything
I want to be with you so this love can fly
We'll hang on every word and we'll scream, we'll whisper
This moment is waiting for you and I
Say anything
Say anything..


(Edwin McCain, featuring Maia Sharp)

Why Bother?

When I started this blog two-and-a-half years ago it was meant to be an outlet for my emotions, anxiety and whatnot. Lately it's been much, much less than that. I have found I measure my words because my husband reads this.

Either he stops reading it or I stop blogging.

Why not?