Sharpness

A few months ago I was drawn to sharp objects in order to hurt myself - knives, scissors, even a comb. All of which were completely dull, as I disappointingly discovered, I was still able to scar my skin.

I now own three of the sharpest kitchen knives ever known to man and I find all of them completely terrifying.

Recently I placed my first order with a company by the name of Home Chef and was delivered all the ingredients needed, including spices, sauces, fresh vegetables and fruit, to make three dinners for two people. Which, because I am only cooking for myself, is actually three dinners and three lunches. I had forgotten all about how much I loved cooking - that didn't come from a box - before kids.

A few months ago I was buying a bed at Ikea and found a set of three knives; butcher, paring and bread. Since then, the knives, still packaged, were laying between my kitchen faucet and the back splash. They needed to be washed, yet I had no reason to use any of them so there they stayed. Until my first delivery from Home Chef. I finally had a reason to wash and use them. Quite a frightening ordeal. It took me forever to chop up all the vegetables because I knew one accidental slip of the knife and I would lose a finger. At least.

It may seem silly to some that I had such difficulty with these knives because my love of cooking had made me pretty adept at using them properly and safely.  What nobody knows though is that I have tremors. And the tremors in my hands are more pronounced than tremors in other parts of my body.

As of this writing my doctor has yet to figure out what is causing my tremors. While I am not a physician, I have personally ruled out medications I take, and have been taking for years - way before the shaking started. 

My physician discovered my Vitamin B-12 deficiency, which causes, in part, overwhelming fatigue and tiredness. Now she has me do self-injections of Vitamin B-12 once per week. Like me, my new physician is also wondering why my past physicians have never revisited the high serum (blood) calcium (hypercalcemia) or high parathyroid hormone (hyperparathyroidism) - especially when the numbers of both have stayed elevated - including immediately after one parathyroid was removed. 

Years later, the level continues to stay at +/- 0.1. I can still remember each past physician, including the endocrinologist who treated me by having one of the parathyroid glands removed, using the "Wait and See" approach. Well, I waited. And waited. And waited. While unbeknownst to me, my bones were softening.

Speaking of tremors, one of my former patient's, Sam, was in his mid-seventies and had been diagnosed a few years earlier with Parkinson's. Sam stopped in the office with his wife once a week for a blood draw to check his blood clotting factors (PT/INR). Each time I was setting up for the draw and prepping his arm, he would apologize to me for his arm shaking, which he had no control of, and every time I would tell him that he didn't have to apologize. Thankfully, I never missed his vein.

Then, one day, as I was drawing Sam's blood, the tremors were much worse than usual and, as was Sam, he was apologizing to me for it. Instead of telling him not to apologize, I said to him, "Sam, I would bet you make the meanest Martini!". Then Sam, his wife and I said, in unison, "Shaken, not stirred!" Sam and his wife left the office that day still laughing about it. After that, the three of us, would try to come up with other things Sam might come out of retirement to do, like shaking paint cans, margarita's, dancing lessons, etc. Sam and his wife were both favorite patients of mine and I often wonder how they are doing.

Now, when I use these very sharp knives, or any task requiring fine motor skills, and my hands are shaking out of control, I think of Sam and his tremors - and his laughter. I was able to make Sam laugh about a condition he has no control over. Literally.

In return, Sam has given me something I never knew I would have a similar need for; laughter at myself.

"Shaken, not stirred!"

Thanks, Sam.