Emo

The past few days my emotions have been simmering on the surface just waiting for that one thing for it to boil over. I haven't been able to really identify why I feel this way.

One thing I DO know is that every time I think about my boys, where they are in their lives, where they live now and how badly I failed them - I cry.

I feel enormously blessed that Matthew and I communicate so frequently and I really enjoyed having him here with me over Christmas. As the years pass, I can't help but see more and more of me in him - and it's, I dont know, spooky? I love Matthew more than I could ever show him. I hope he knows that.

Connor is still doing the military thing and even though I've reached out to him I haven't communicated with him since he told me that he is an insulin-dependent Type 1 diabetic. Connor has not ever given me a chance to show him how much I love him and how much I miss him.

About 3 weeks ago I sent a message to his dad, aka "Bib", inquiring about how Connor was doing. His reply was, "You'll have to talk to him about that." It's sadistically satisfying that, even after all these years, he is still a self-righteous asshole and as tempting as it is to clue Connor in on a few things about his dad, I just keep my mouth shut. For now.

Hunter. There are no words to explain how much I love and miss him too.

Still, I am not enough.

I will never be enough.

Not even to myself.