Plans

Matthew is, for now, sending emails to me. We've decided not to discuss my "conspiring" against him, which is absurd to even think I was against him. 

This year has taken a lot out of me: physically, mentally, emotionally. I feel like a ragdoll the dog's been constantly chewing on and finally spat out.

I have purposely distanced myself from my dad. Not because there is anything wrong, because it has been so gut wrenching to witness his declining health. He is 79 years old and I know that eventually he will die and, as ludicrous as it sounds, if I push him away now it will hurt less later. Which is utter bullshit because I'm really not fooling anyone with this method.

I feel as though I'm at a crossroads in my life and I don't know what to do. I know I should just accept that having a relationship, even remotely resembling a marriage, with Henry will never happen and that I should just get over it and move on. I also know I must accept that Hunter and Connor will never need me in their lives and I must also move on.

I will never have a relationship with my mother. Ever.

After not speaking to her for 3 years or so I called her recently to tell her about Matthew. "Oh, honey! It's so good to hear your voice!", she exclaimed. "Ummm this isn't a social call", I mumbled into the receiver. "Oh, honey! How are you doing?", she asked. "I called you for a reason!", I snapped back.

In the midst of telling her about Matthew, the evil little bitch in me asked her what she would say if Xavier walked up to her one day and said, "My daddy made me suck his penis before I could go outside", would you believe him? Those words were still hanging in the air when I told her not to answer that question. Just think about that for awhile. What would you do?

Silence.

Brazenly I told her about specific things my brothers did to me. 

Dead. Air.

I hung up the phone.

Drop dead, mommy dearest. Please. Just. Drop. Dead.

That would be one funeral I would NEVER attend. Well...maybe. I was kicked out of Tim's funeral for no reason whatsoever. I would experience way too much pleasure in giving the family damn good reasons for kicking me out. I'm pretty certain the cops would be involved - yet I wouldn't be the one wearing handcuffs!