Tainted

A dear friend of mine is bubbling with excitement as her son and daughter-in-law are expecting their first baby - and her first grandbaby.

While I told her it was such a surreal experience, I couldn't tell her about the first time I saw Matthew hold Xavier and how happy he seemed. I couldn't tell her about the first photograph I captured of father and son. I couldn't tell her that Matthew stayed home with Xavier for almost his first 6 months and how proud I was to see him embrace fatherhood with such gusto. I couldn't tell her that Xavier was head-over-heels crazy about his Daddy and how much fun they had together.

Nor could I tell her about all of the photographs I have of Matthew and Xavier and how I can no longer look at them without feeling sick and angry. So, SO angry. 

All the wonderful memories I have of Xavier and Matthew together has been decimated by Matthew's actions. All of my memories of Matthew are just as pulverized. 

Everything about my life is one enormous lie. 

Just like I am not good enough for anybody else, I am no longer good enough for me. I have NEVER been good enough and I cannot stand just existing in this world any longer.