A lot has changed internally since my last post on November 20, 2020, and those changes have been GOOD. When I started Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in the spring of 2020, I had zero expectations of coming out the other side feeling so...different. In a good way. While each member of my DBT team said it wouldn't be easy, and it would get incredibly harder before it got easier (they were not exaggerating). I didn't know what the other side of that mountain would (or could) look like, and I had difficulty imagining it. I had no idea just how much trauma I had endured, how deeply that trauma affected me, and how pervasive the trauma was in my life.
Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D., ABPP, the developer of DBT, a Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Director Emeritus of the Behavioral Research and Therapy Clinics at the University of Washington, focused her research on the development and evaluation of evidence-based treatments for populations with high suicide risk and multiple, severe mental disorders. Her book, DBT Skills Training Handouts, and Worksheets, 2nd Edition, became my lifeline. Dr. Linehan is also the author or co-author of several books and DVDs.
Life. Line.
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I started this post on September 25, 2022, and today is October 21, 2022. I can't remember where I was going with the original post, so I will add my thoughts as of this moment.
I feel enormously sad and like a rudderless boat swiftly sailing to the edge of the universe. My sleep is disorganized and fitful, and nightmares are once again becoming the norm. I had thought my sleep was so restless because my two kittens, Sissy and Stella Bella, come to life after the lights go out, so they have been banished from the bedroom at bedtime. (They are NOT happy about that, and I have to drown out their cries with the Calm app.)
The summer sped relatively uneventfully even though my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's. While we were already sure that was the cause of his tremors, having an official diagnosis still felt like a punch in the gut. On the day the diagnosis was handed down, I asked him what he thought about it, and he said he was okay with it and that it "is what it is." Physically and mentally, he is reacting positively to the medication for it, which makes me feel better.
The past six weeks have been all over the place for me health-wise. In the past two months, I have fainted three times. I talked with my primary care physician, and she ordered a 14-day holter (cardiac) monitor for me. Right upper quadrant pain sent me to the emergency department twice, two days after the holter monitor was applied, yet the battery of tests has failed to pinpoint the cause. "Incidental" findings from a CT angiogram, to rule out a pulmonary embolism, showed a couple of wonky things with my heart and tiny nodules in both lungs. In the midst of all of this fun stuff, I am trying to schedule surgery to replace my vagus nerve stimulator, rotator cuff repair, and tenodesis. Those plans came to an abrupt halt when cardiology and pulmonology got involved. (Pulmonology has since cleared me.) Cardiology referred me for a work-up, and the recent echocardiogram, chemical stress test, and nuclear medicine scans appear normal. Yet, I am wearing a holter monitor for another 14 days because the first one didn't provide enough data to analyze. (Meaning, no luxurious bubble baths for the next two weeks.)
That's all for now.
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