No. 22

Happy birthday, Hunter-Bear.

While we cannot be together to celebrate, I want you to know that I LOVE YOU more than you can ever know.

If given the opportunity I would share this blog with you. My hope is that, by your reading it, it would answer any questions you may have and, more importantly, prove to you there are two sides to every story. You could see that everything you think you know, is not true.

It has been almost three years since I saw you last and it seems like an eternity. I wish you nothing but the best in life, Bear.

I have loved you for all of your life, Bear, and that will never, ever change.

Happy 22nd Birthday, Hunter!

Love,
Mom

To, From, Because

Every year I buy a birthday present for myself. It is never anything expensive or extravagant - just a little something that shows I am not dead. Yet.

A few years ago I bought myself a goose down featherbed, another year I bought bedside table lamps because I could not stand the |kea lamps I had inherited from Henry. (They were lightweight and easily toppled over and onto the floor, usually breaking the light bulb.) Last year I upgraded my mobile phone and tablet.

This year. THIS year. This YEAR I bought myself a custom made mother's ring, as mentioned in a previous blog entry. I had placed my order on April 11th and was given a 6- to 8-week turnaround time.  Today however I received notification that my new bauble will arrive ON my birthday!

Yep. This makes me very happy.

To me. From me. Because of me.

Happy 51st birthday.

Space

Seven years
750 miles

A lifetime
Passed

The world
Spins

Together
You and I

Where the
Only space

Between us
Is just before

You kiss me.

cdl 2017-09-24

IASTYWBLOML

Happy Birthday, Henry.

One-Half Century and Breast Biopsy

Yesterday, May 4th, was a milestone birthday for me. Fifty trips around the sun. Sadly, I had not planned on living this long, I just really suck at suicide.

Matthew and Monica and Xavier each sent separate texts wishing me Happy birtday. My dad (probably Kay) sent me a birtday text as well.

I haven't been on Facebook in a few weeks because I am dreading having to look at all the birthday wishes from people, most of whom have become acquaintances, including people I have known since kindergarten, because I know the messages will make me cry. Although I think they mean well, if my birthdate wasn't listed on FB, I wouldn't hear from 95% of them.

The one voice I needed to hear the most yesterday, especially because I had a breast biopsy, on a lump I discovered the week before, the day before before my birthday, was Henry's - yet it never came to pass. Nothing on text either. The increased ache is almost too much to bear.

He has not asked about the results of the biopsy (benign) and I haven't told him what they were.

Hunter is 12!

Okay, so I'm a few weeks late in posting this, but I am proud to say that Hunter turned 12 years-old on February 2nd. Relieved, too. There was a time -- well, actually, a LOT of times, I wondered if he would.

I look back over his life -- from the first time I heard his heartbeat to now -- and I stand in awe of him. Bringing him into this world at the proper gestational age and bringing him into this world alive was not an easy thing to do. Especially because I did it by myself.

A few weeks ago and at his request, I shaved Hunter's head. As I was removing chunks of hair from his scalp I couldn't help but stare at him. Several times during the process he would tilt his head a certain way, or look at me a certain way, and it was as though I was looking at his brother, Connor. The resemblance would be even more frightening if each of them shared the same eye color. Hunter has very dark brown eyes and Connor's are a bright, brilliant blue.

Happy Birthday, Hunter Bear!