For two years nine months and a handful of days I have been whining about how I never EVER wanted to come back to this Hell I grew up around/in and groaning loudly how it is sucking the life and soul out of me.
Well, my give a fuck is broken. Scratch that. My give a fuck has been decimated.
The knot in my stomach has grown so large that I'm having chest pains, my blood pressure is hovering at the high end of normal, my hair is falling out and I have GERD so bad that I want to rip my fucking throat out with my bare hands.
Mmmmkay?
What makes it even worse is watching my dad struggle with his health, dealing with my son going to prison for 9 1/2 years, and missing someone so much that I want to give myself a lobotomy to make everything go away.
On my best day I am barely keeping my shit together. On my worst, well, I haven't let myself get that far. Yet. Everything - EVERYTHING - I know, everything I feel, everything I fear is at a rolling boil and has been for some time.
Days like today send my closer to the edge of telling everyone to go fuck themselves, selling almost everything I own, then packing the bare necessities into my car and LEAVING this God-forsaken place behind me.
It doesn't matter where I go. It doesn't matter how far I travel. I just NEED to get the fuck out of this place before someone gets hurt.
While this may sound like a pity party, trust me, it's not. It's the knowing that I could disappear and only my dad and Matthew would try to find me (Or Joanne, which is another story entirely, and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. Mmmthanks.)
I learned a few years ago who my "true" friends were. Past tense. Nobody sticks around when you wind up in a place they can't comprehend.
Being homeless was the best thing that ever happened to me because I know without a doubt that I am resourceful, intelligent and - oh fuck yes! - I can take care of myself. Mmmkay?
Growing older is a good thing for me. I can't make someone like me, or even love me. I am what I am and, just because I'm not everyone's cup of tea, it doesn't mean that I am not worthy of either because I am. I no longer have a need to seek out the approval of anybody.
My ears have heard a lot of devastating things over the past half-century+ (wtf!?), yet there is something that stands out even more than the others - being told:
"I was in a relationship I had no right being in."
While I believe this was said without malice - truly - it crushed EVERYTHING I believed to be true about relationships, love and honesty.
How does someone start with 'I love you and vow to spend the rest of my life with you' to 'I was in a relationship I had no right being in'? What did I miss? Where were the signs? Does someone just wake up one day with the realization that they were never in love with you? Where did the lie start? Was it there from the beginning? Or did you "think" you were in love with me from the beginning then realized - 11 years later - that OOOOPS! MY BAD! I never really loved you at all.
I get it. I get that childhood memories can lay dormant for years then, one day, they steamroll over you. I get it. Unless and until you've been through that fire, it's easy to believe that it's fake; that it doesn't "actually" happen. Sadly, you discovered that this DOES happen. Because it happened to YOU.
For just shy of 10 years I have continued to carry you in my heart in spite of the miles between us - NOT just the physical miles either. The emotional miles have been even more unbearable and being married to you still has been pure torture. I KNOW why I won't be the one filing for divorce, I wish I knew why YOU won't either. When I bring up the subject you ask me if being divorced would change the way I feel about you - of course the answer is a resounding NO! - then you say if it's not going to change anything, why bother? Not once in all those conversations we've had about divorce have you ever mentioned why YOU don't want it.
Oh sure, I've asked you directly about many things and your pat answer is "I don't/can't/won't talk about that right now."
Well, Henry, WHEN will you?
When will you stand still long enough to have these conversations?
When will you stop hiding being your job?
When will you tackle the memories that haunt you in order to let them stop running and ruining your life?
When will you start focusing on healing YOU?
I realize these easy questions for me to ask, yet YOU, of all people, know that I've walked that fucking walk. Because you have walked it with me.
Which begs another question: why did you stay with me if it wasn't something you wanted? Did you feel sorry for me? Did you think you could rescue me? Why?! We both know how hard I fought against having a relationship with you. We both know how I tried like hell to push you away in the beginning. Yet you stayed. Knowing what I know now, that baffles me. Over and over I told you that you were too good to be true, that someday the other shoe would drop and ** POOF ** you'd be gone. "No, it won't," you told me over and over...until I eventually believed you.
Do you know how much I admire you, Henry? I admire your courage, intelligence, thoughtfulness, tenacity and - especially - your patience.
I have watched you do things for people just because. Remember the elderly couple who were locked out of their car at Lakeside Mall? The boat on Lake St. Clair we towed to shore?
I have also watched you sacrifice your own well-being to do something for someone else. Not just your parents and Jake. Yes, that includes ME too. You sacrificed yourself for me so many times that I am embarrassed to even attempt the calculation. And those are just the times I know about. Thank you for everything you've done for me, Henry, I deeply appreciate you.
(One day I hope Jake realizes everything you sacrificed for him. He has absolutely no idea. Or your parents. They have no idea either. Neither do they care.)
While you have made it clear that I'm not what you want or need - then or now. This new "normal" will continue on as it has for almost 10 years. At least that's something I can be sure of.
Right?