Coming Undone

My life is so far out of balance it's all I can do to prevent myself from going completely under. I'm stretched thin with the commitments I've made -- yet that's not how it started out.

Back in December, when the Ski Patrol Director called me and asked me if I was still interested in becoming part of the ski patrol, I didn't hesitate to say yes. With the exception of my marriage being in complete turmoil and my job, I had nothing else going on. Then my health issue multiplied exponentially, Hunter had to be placed in a psychiatric hospital and my marriage continued to suck.

Then the snowboarding season ended and I had a few months of downtime from the ski patrol before starting the Outdoor Emergency Care portion in April.

Now, between attending classes two nights a week, self-study the rest of the week, visiting Hunter because he's still in the hospital, working at a job I love, watching my health continue to deteriorate, and trying to give CPR to my marriage, I am stick-a-fork-in-me-done.

Perfect example: last week were mid-terms. We had a written exam and four scenarios we had to pass in order for the instructors to know we are not complete idiots. (Apparently 90% of our class failed.) The scenarios included a deep laceration of a forearm, a man needing CPR/AED surrounded by live electrical wires, a broken wrist and a dislocated shoulder. In order to pass the scenarios, the instructors have a checklist of things that need to be done and said -- most of it in a specific order.

(The mid-term does not count toward our "grade", it was just a sanity check.)

I failed all of them, except one. I also failed the written portion of the exam. I feel like a big idiot. So many pieces of the scenarios we had to participate in are things I do everyday at my job.

----------> Bang Head Here <----------

I am thisclose to quitting this class and taking it again next year. Except if I do that, I have to wait another year for the coveted red parka.

Ugh!

My adrenalin and nervousness, if measured, would have been pretty close to the moon. No wonder I failed.

Students -- Again!

In mid-April I had an appointment with a recruiter at a Medical Assistant school and, in an determined effort to get Matthew out of the house and away from online gaming, I dragged him with me. I stretched the truth a little by telling him it would be good for him to see the recruiting process in general because he had recently expressed an interest in taking a few college classes.

I was pleasantly surprised when, in the meeting with the recruiter, Matthew expressed an interest in the medical field. I was flat-out shocked -- SHOCKED! --quite happily, that Matthew asked to enroll, too!

On April 14th, Matthew and I started the Medical Assistant program together. We're even in the same classes. Pretty cool, huh? (Yeah, I think so, too!!)

What many people don't know about me is that my first career choice has always been in the field of medicine. In fact, my dream has always been to become a Neonatologist (caring for preemie babies). After spending three months searching for a job in the accounting or administrative assistant field -- fields I literally stumbled into but could never shake because the money was so good -- I finally threw my hands up in surrender and decided to circle back to my first love. Medicine.

Matthew has really impressed me with, not only his knowledge of anatomy and physiology, but by how much he participates in class -- and by how well he does on assignments and tests. (Without studying, I might add.)

We recently studied and learned to perform ECG's (also known as EKG's) on our peers and Matthew instantly became the teacher's pet by his unabashed willingness to be the patient for anybody who needed one.

It is the BEST career decision I have ever made.

Fumbling

When I started this blog it was to chart my progress through VNS therapy for treatment resistant depression and how it affects every aspect of my life. Sadly, I've strayed. I have a lot of things to talk about, it's just that everything is jumbled in my brain and I am not giving myself the opportunity or the time to disseminate it onto the 'net.

I have to admit that turning 40 is really starting to freak me out. Not in a bad way -- more like "so soon?" I'm not disappointed at where I am in my life because, quite honestly, there were many moments I didn't think I would survive and there were a few instances when I really didn't want to.

Career-wise I am not where I dreamt I would be (medicine), but I love what I do (accounting). Mom-wise I thought I would have a daughter but I've been blessed with four sons (and a stepson). Relationship-wise I have everything I never dreamed of.

So why do I have this nagging, soul-nibbling, brain-buzzing feeling that something is missing?