Sleeping Boys

Having tucked Xavier onto the couch for sleep, it feels good to have him under the roof of my own abode for the last night of our weekend. We had so much fun on the farm, running in the fields, feeding the animals and chasing Toby the dog.

My heart still hurts though. My dad and Kay each made the mistake of calling Xavier 'Matthew' - which is hard not to do because he looks so much like his dad. A normal grandmother would be telling her grandchild all about his dad at different stages of his life, sadly we are no longer a normal family. 

Devastatingly sad.

Bi-Polar Stronghold

I can't decide if I should scream my head off, or cry. Maybe both?

One of my nephews attempted suicide and he is the eldest son of the brother I hate right down to my marrow.

My dad is the one who told me about this - then asked me if I "knew of anyone in the family who is bipolar?"

What.
The.
Fuck.

Seriously?!

Am I being punk'd here?!

"Well, Dad, YES I do know someone. ME."

Holy hell! I almost choked on the words because I couldn't believe that, still, after all these years, he refuses to believe (or acknowledge) I have mental health issues.

"They want to know what medication you are taking," my dad replied.

"Who's "they"?"

"Brandon's doctors."

I called my brother (who I hate the most) to tell him the names of the meds I take and, of course, he was SHOCKED that I, too, am bipolar and that I, too, have attempted suicide.

Where the fuck have these people been?!

I told my brother, "For all the people who think I'm just 'crazy' - well I'm not. I'm bipolar and it's a bitch of a cycle to be on."

I could hear the wind rustle his hair as what I said flew right over his head.

Idol Monsters

While others idolized
I was terrified
Of things that go
Bump in the night.

I was led from my bed
Sound asleep in my head
While you did whatever
You wanted.

As the years have gone by
I no longer try
To remember anything
That you said.

Because now that I know
How far evil will go
You are nothing but
Idol Monsters.

A Stroke and Heaven

It's been a l-o-o-ng day...

My Aunt, my dad's sister, suffered a stroke on Monday and was taken to the hospital where she was still alert, oriented and able to speak.

Tuesday morning she slipped into a coma and had to be put on a ventilator. Later that same day her seven daughters and husband made the decision to take her off the vent, and this was done sometime Tuesday.

My dad and K flew in from Florida Wednesday morning and went straight to the hospital.

When I arrived at the funeral home today my cousin C, one of the seven daughters, shared the following with me:

My dad was talking to his sister, telling her he loved her and that it was okay to let go...she shed a tear at his words, something she had not done, C said, as if she were waiting for him to say goodbye — not long after that she passed away.

My dad lost a sister in a dentist chair when she was 8-years old. (She had an undiagnosed heart condition.) His brother passed away in 1983, his father in 1985, and his mother in 2002. My heart aches for him...my heart aches for her husband, her daughters and grandchildren...my heart just aches...