Sleeping Boys

Having tucked Xavier onto the couch for sleep, it feels good to have him under the roof of my own abode for the last night of our weekend. We had so much fun on the farm, running in the fields, feeding the animals and chasing Toby the dog.

My heart still hurts though. My dad and Kay each made the mistake of calling Xavier 'Matthew' - which is hard not to do because he looks so much like his dad. A normal grandmother would be telling her grandchild all about his dad at different stages of his life, sadly we are no longer a normal family. 

Devastatingly sad.

Sigh

Xavier is asleep next to me and the soft sound of his breathing brings great joy to my battered and bruised heart. It had been way too long since I saw him last and I believe I now know what it is I should be doing.

I have felt so out of balance and as though I have just been floating along the perimeter without any sense of who I am or what I've been put on this earth to do. I believe, now, that I need to step up to the plate and be the best grandma I can be to Xavier, up to and including moving closer to him and Monica.

For right now though, I will enjoy spending time with this little boy.

Tears of...

In a few hours, I will be making a ~2 hour drive to pick up my grandson for the weekend then, Xavier and I, will stay at the farm tonight and go to church in the morning with my Dad and Kay.

I know I am in need of spending time with my dad, wide open spaces in the sunshine, and having Xavier with me brings a smile to my face.

And.

Tears.

Happy tears?

Sad tears?

Yes to both.

Xavier knows his dad is in "jail" (he is now in prison) for doing something "bad" and Monica told me Xavier hasn't really said much more than that and, "I want to see my dad."

I'm scared I will burst into tears the moment I have Xavier in my arms.

My dad's health is slowly declining and it's becoming more difficult for him to move about.

I am thrilled beyond measure that Xavier and I will be spending time with people who love us and whom we love in return.

The Talk

In a few days I will step on a plane and, at the other end, break two hearts wide open - and my Dad and stepmom have no idea that this is coming.

How do I tell my Dad about his grandson being in jail, for now, and later, prison? How do I tell him what my son has done to wind up there when I haven't been able to wrap my own brain around it?

I will stand by my son, regardless of what he's done, because, well, he's my son, and I love him. I. Love. My. Son.

I don't care what people think about my choice to be there for my him, to make sure he gets the help he needs, to love him through the darkness.

My dad, on the other hand...only God knows...