Windows

The window to my soul
Covered in shame and grief
Your prying eyes
Will never see
The death I wish to seek.

The darkness of that window
The wall I hide behind
Was built from years of sadness
My blood and tears defined.

No longer can I see beyond
That window made of pain
It took so long to build it
Here is where I'll stay.

cdl 06/28/2019 4:36 am

Icy Rain

Beating on my window
The sound of icy rain
Drowning out the cries that fall
So many years of pain.

Each drop that falls upon the ground
Are memories that fill my head
Of days and nights I spent with you
And all the dreams we planned.

Is it time to break the ties
That keep me bound to you
Or do I stay and pray one day
It will lead me back to you?

Bittersweet 16

Dear LOML,

While I do regret an incredible number of things that I have done, I will never regret giving everything I am to you and I will never regret marrying you almost 16 years ago.

I am still grappling with the "I was in a relationship I had no business being in", even though you said it was a general statement and that it had nothing to do with me specifically. I am also still trying to reconcile, in my own mind, how deeply in love we were then and how we always said we had found our soul's mate in each other.

If I could take away from you all the hurt, memories, and shame buried so deeply inside of you, I would. Having always attributed your painful memories to, aside from your parents, your military service, I was stunned to learn there was just so much more. It was definitely something I never saw coming, and something I wish you never had to endure.

Since you've been in retreat mode for the past few weeks, I find it nearly impossible to not worry about your well-being. Please know this: I am here for you if and when you need me and that that is something that will never change.

Happy (almost) 16th Anniversary, LOML. ISLYWAMYHAS and IWMYAOA. Would you DNITKTAS again with me?

For all of my life, I will love you.

TLOYL (maybe?)

Rainfalls

I surprised my dad yesterday afternoon when I strolled into the infusion center carrying a piece of pie. I cashed in some personal time, for yesterday and today, in order to see my dad as much as I can before they leave for Florida. He is waiting for his doctor to give him the go ahead so they can get away from the snow and cold. They are hoping to leave on Sunday.

My dad started to cry when he told me how depressed he feels and that he is hoping by finishing out the winter in the Florida sunshine will boost his mood.

Seeing my dad cry is gut wrenching, at best, and when the tears in his eyes overflowed down his cheeks I wanted to cry right along with him.