This is my my life as I search for inner peace. Will I find the light before it finds me?
The window to my soul
Covered in shame and grief
Your prying eyes
Will never see
The death I wish to seek.
The darkness of that window
The wall I hide behind
Was built from years of sadness
My blood and tears defined.
No longer can I see beyond
That window made of pain
It took so long to build it
Here is where I'll stay.
cdl 06/28/2019 4:36 am
The tiny spring
Inside my heart
Is wound up like a clock
The seasons change
The world moves on
How do I make it stop?
No need to be
So wound up tight
My father says to me
Let go to see what happens
Only then will you be free.
He doesn't know
If I let go
It will be
The
End
Of
Me.
The clock
On the wall
Has stopped.
The little hand
Rests on the 8 and
The big hand
Points to the 4.
Even
clocks
Can
Frown.
I detest going to a new therapist because when I do, I have to start at the beginning. Again.
Today was my second appointment with a new therapist and I feel raw. Things I have dealt with, memories I have buried, all come flooding back - with a vengeance
Where I am right this second is not where I thought I would be. The LOML is on the periphery of my life, one of my boys is locked up and the others couldn't care less if I lived or died.
Is this it? Is this ALL there is? Because if it is...
Not worth it.
Attempting to resolve something in a New Year is akin to calling out the universe for a gunfight. It's easy to say, "This year, I'll love more, worry less, eat better, lose weight...". Why set myself up for failure? Why would I want to drive myself crazy(ier) everytime my heart is crushed? Or feel guilty everytime I put something in my mouth?
Not for me, folks.
My life is what it is. Bumps, bruises, lessons failed, lessons learned. All of it. That's who I am.
I cannot love any more than I already do and I have no control over those I pray could love me in return. I can't make a person desire me or yearn for my company. The universe, I believe, has conspired against me where my heart is concerned.
Everything (almost) I have believed in my life thus far has blown up my heart. While it hasn't hardened me, it has made me close off parts of me that I cannot fathom ever sharing with anyone again. Ever. Sad? Maybe. True? Oh hell YES.
As hard as I pray - and for all the wishes I have tossed on the wind - there are things that are not mine to change. There are things I just cannot compete with. They have to work themselves out. If the tides were to miraculously turn and the love I have prayed for returned to me - fuck - I don't really know what I would do. Honest.
I CAN say this though: I would have an open heart (and an open mind) and I would try. I harbor no grudges. The resentment I felt has dissipated. What's left is the deepest sadness I have ever known. Even in the rock-bottom depth of suicidal depression I didn't feel as sad as I do right now knowing how badly I failed my sons, and how selfishly I failed the LOML.
New Year's resolutions?
Fuck.
NO.
It used to be that the
Moon and stars and midnight sky
Were all I needed to stay close to you.
I thought that as long as
You and I fell asleep
Under the same sky
It didn't matter where you are.
Every night I look
To the heavens
And whisper to
The moon
'I love you'
'I'm here for you'
Hoping these messages of
Hope and love
Would somehow
Reach your heart
I won't stop sending
These messages to you
Even though I have
Long realized
It will never be enough.
Waking up in the midst of a dream, sweaty and crying, chest and throat aching and feeling as though you just finished a triathalon, makes my heart hurt for a day or two. The heaviness and brutality of dreaming of something that I know can never be changed is the worst.
I remember what the dream was and the conflict it was trying to make sense of.
People around me have no idea that I carry a painful burden of knowing I have failed my kids and that as hard as I try to get close to them, they won't let me. I cannot do this all alone, do they know that?
Finding out on social media that one son is home on leave from the Marine Corps and has made no effort to see me - even after I reached out to him while he was home - I cannot shake the feeling of not being good enough for him.
Matthew will be graduating from college this Spring and I feel enormously proud of him for having stayed with it.
There is no easy way to think of Hunter without feeling somehow betrayed by him and hurting because it was he who abandoned me. Yeah, that's fucked up.
Absent parent. That is what I am to my kids.
What my kids - and people around me - don't know is that I am also absent in my life and going through the motions just biding my time until somehow, some way, I reach the other side.
Is it wrong to hope that the next round of medical tests reveals that I am (finally) on my way?
That's fucked up, too.
You knew me when
I had reached then end
And could not stand at all
Your dreams were haunted
While others taunted
You finally hit the wall.
You knew me when
My heart was spent
Thoughts were just a scrawl
Your eyes were closed
And so it goes
You seemed to stand so tall.
You knew me when
I could not bend
Too fearful of the fall
You had come undone
You could not run
Your walk became a crawl.
You knew me when
Alone I'd been
Shoved up against the wall
You reached for me
Wanting to believe
This place you did belong.
You knew me when
Tears on my chin
And covered with a pall
Your lips were warm
Your heart was torn
You sang to me a song.
You knew me when
Lost in a spin
I was just a ragged doll
You said stay with me
Don't ever leave
We'll weather any squall.
I knew you when
Fearless deep within
How could we be so wrong
A storm blew in
We could not win
We were human after all.