Closure

What is it? Seriously. What is it really? When someone asks for closure, what is it they are really asking for?

I have been seeking some sort of closure on several things in my past ~ mostly related relationships, but then aren't we all?

Does closure mean some sort of reconciliation ~ not of the relationship itself ~ for our minds to wrap around in order for us to walk away without looking back? Ever.

Is pursuing closure another way to have the last word?

For me, personally, it's about unanswered questions about the relationship itself. For instance, what were the mistakes I made in that particular relationship and were they what caused the relationship to end? Or did the relationship ending have anything to do with me at all?

I never set out to deliberately make the same mistake more than once, yet there are times where I deliberately do nothing to stop it. I'm not trying to be malicious, yet I know that is exactly what it looks like, it usually just seems like the thing to do at the time.

Right now I am stuck in a cycle of wanting something that I not only can't have, but shouldn't want to have in the first place. This dilemma has caused much distress in my marriage and has brought it to the brink of ending it completely.

Closure

Ah, that word again ~ closure. Something I completely suck at because I have no idea what closure means to me, specifically. It'll just be another relationship that I can say I never had "closure" on and ache forever because of it.

Many years ago, when I was a junior in high school, I met a cop from the community from which I worked. We were just friends for a very long time before we became something much more. It was something that happened naturally and it was something that I truly wanted at that time. Something I was given in that relationship was brutally taken away and, to this very day, it haunts the hell out of me. I need closure.

What I have always wanted to know from him was why he never called after I was put in that position and why he didn't stay for the fallout. Those aren't the only questions I have for him. Having my many questions answered, in this case, means closure for me. It's difficult to say whether or not it would be complete closure, I would just like the opportunity to find out.

There is one other person I had a relationship with that, if given the opportunity, I would like to ask questions of and maybe find...yep...closure.

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One of my biggest detriments is that I feel emotions at such a deep, deep level, yet I am not able to compartmentalize them. I feel that if I could compartmentalize them, especially past relationships, not just men but relationships with a few of my family members, too, then I would be able to close those chapters for good.

Instead, I walk around with all these emotions (some that go back many, many, MANY years) piled one on top of the other and, combined, they emit a buzzing sound inside my head. I'm very certain this is the one of the major reasons I have so much trouble sleeping ~ or at least turning off my brain on command. I really don't want to be a walking bundle of emotions. It saps so much of my energy. On the other hand, were it not for my emotional experiences, I would not be able to do what I do now for a living.

For example, today I had a patient with congestive heart failure, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and several other ailments that, combined, make it nearly impossible for her to breathe properly.

This patient, Bella, has been in to see us every week for the past several weeks with one goal in mind: to be able to take a deep, cleansing breath. While doing her intake today, before the doctor came to examine her, she made a statement ~ “I’m at the end of my rope…” ~ and that resonated with me. I was able to draw from my own (recent and ongoing!) personal health issues and understand exactly what she meant.

I didn’t do what many people do and say “I know how you feel; I’ve been there”. I knew actions would speak louder than words so I just wrapped my arms around her and held her while she cried on my scrubs.

My vast emotional experiences allow me to empathize on a much deeper level with my patients. Unfortunately (or is that fortunately?) my emotional experiences with my patients adds to my emotional experiences heap and the buzzing in my head continues.

Sheesh…

If only I could insert a memory card and do an emotional dump…

Be Still by Story Side B

the good times and the bad
(some good and some are bad)
I'm still holding on to you
some days I wanna run
and times I come undone
but I still belong to you
thats how I know that

When I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
nothing seems at all to add up
can you hear me Lord?
my face is down upon the floor
its then you whisper in my ear
be still and know I'm here

I see a side of you my friend
the same struggles that I have
my heart goes out to you
I know its hard to feel alone
and this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
but I can tell you

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone
its not just you
and not just me

we all need to believe that
we are not alone.

~ Story Side B ~

Bittersweet September

September is upon me once again. One of these days I believe this month will swallow me whole.

I have an enormous love/hate relationship with this month because in the midst of celebrating a few important birthday's (Henry, Matthew, my dad, and grandmother), I mourn the birth and death of Alexander Lee on September 13, 1995.

It's been 14 years since I held my teeny-tiny son in my arms. Wishing for him to cry, praying for the miracle of all miracles ~ his life. Knowing the harsh reality that he was too tiny for anything to be done. I still have difficulty reconciling the truth with the hopes I once had for him.

As much as I believe that things do, indeed, happen for a reason and as much as I believe in a higher power and His will, I am constantly tripping over the powerful grief that, 14 years later, still overwhelms me.

Time truly does not heal all pain. There are some sorrows that sting like hell no matter how much time passes.

Memories of that day and night are still crystal clear in my mind. Time has not put a fade on them either.

The anguish I feel over not having been enough, physically, for him to continue to grow in my belly shreds me to pieces. Although I knew the probability of carrying him to term was low, due to an incompetent cervix, terminating the pregnancy was never an option. In all honesty, the thought did stroke my brain for all of 2 seconds, I just couldn't do it.

Hindsight? Yeah, it's almost always 20/20. In this instance, and as much as intense agony as his premature birth and subsequent death caused, I wouldn't trade holding him and his beating heart for anything.

So, happy birthday, Alexander Lee, my angel baby.  I held you in my arms briefly, once-upon-a-time, yet you will live in my heart and soul forever.

Reflections and Thanksgiving

Today was pretty low-key. We ordered a Thanksgiving feast from our favorite restaurant and, as usual, it was very delicious. Jake was invited to his one sister's house for Thanksgiving dinner with his mom and other sister so it was just Henry, Matthew, Hunter and I having our own little celebration. If you could call it that. The food was excellent and with the exception of Matthew and I talking about our externships, and encouraging Hunter to eat, it, well, sucked.

In my fluttering about the house today I stumbled upon a few items that were acquired during very painful events in the lives of my family.

As I was putting fresh linens away in the closet in the upstairs hallway, I saw a couple of Crainium games I had purchased when Hunter was in various residential treatment facilities. Our visiting time was usually limited so I selected activities/games that would give our family the most interaction with Hunter, yet hold his attention for longer than two minutes.

Shortly before that, as I was folding laundry in the basement, I suddenly found one of Hunter's socks -- from that same period of time. How do I know this? First, the size of the sock (small). Second, because his name was written on it with a laundry marker. Every now and then I will come across one of his t-shirts with a personalized label ironed on it.

Today I was asked by someone if I was happy with my life. It didn't come as a surprise to that person when I replied that I have never been happy with my life. That person is not happy with their life either but doesn't know why and, therefore, doesn't know what to do to fix it.

A few weeks ago a SIM card I thought I lost several months ago, mysteriously appeared and ruffled a lot feathers. It's truly amazing what a woman can find when she dumps her purse upside down and turns it inside out, isn't it? I was so focused on organizing my purse and its contents that I didn't even notice the tiny card laying on the living room floor until someone else pointed it out to me.

When the card was placed in my hand I seriously felt like an actor in a movie that gets quickly sucked back in time; arms and legs outstretched in front of me. I remember being asked questions but I was too dumbfounded to even open my mouth. Of course that seemed like I was hiding something when I truly wasn't. I knew both the card and its hardware were empty. When an attempt was made to take the card from me I refused. While I sat quietly on the sofa, I tried to ignore the hunt to find the hardware.

As I waited for the loud treasure hunt to come to an end, I set the card down nearby and walked away from it. I knew when I returned the card would be gone, and it was. Later on I found myself in possession of both the card and the hardware.

Its reappearance also made me enormously sad because of what it meant to me at one time. What it stood for. Why it came to exist in the first place. I am the only one who understands the significance of it and, to the dismay of others, I have zero regrets.

Many things happened during 2008 that royally sucked. For awhile I thought 2008 was going to give 2007 a run for its money and become the suckiest year ever. Right now they're running neck-and-neck and it very well could be a photo finish.