Ball & Chain

"I was in a relationship I had no business being in."

That statement, while taken out of context, is still ricocheting inside my head like a wayward torpedo.

It was not spoken in anger or malice, or to maim or wound me. It was however probably the most honest thing Henry has said to me in the past 7+ years.

Henry said he had been in a place in his life when we met, where he should have been focusing on himself instead of a relationship and a marriage.

The sad thing is, I understand. I know that paralyzing feeling of emptiness of not knowing who I was, what my purpose in life was or why I even existed.

The question I have been dragging around like a ball and chain has finally been answered.

I feel nothing.

On this day...

... God wants you to know that it is time to finally forgive yourself.

You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough.

You've kept your wounds open for long enough.

The time has to come to let go, to heal.

Keep the lessons and let the pain heal.

Yes, you know what we are talking about it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I won't heal alone...

I'm Moving On by Rascal Flats

I'm Moving On, Rascal Flatts

Closure

What is it? Seriously. What is it really? When someone asks for closure, what is it they are really asking for?

I have been seeking some sort of closure on several things in my past ~ mostly related relationships, but then aren't we all?

Does closure mean some sort of reconciliation ~ not of the relationship itself ~ for our minds to wrap around in order for us to walk away without looking back? Ever.

Is pursuing closure another way to have the last word?

For me, personally, it's about unanswered questions about the relationship itself. For instance, what were the mistakes I made in that particular relationship and were they what caused the relationship to end? Or did the relationship ending have anything to do with me at all?

I never set out to deliberately make the same mistake more than once, yet there are times where I deliberately do nothing to stop it. I'm not trying to be malicious, yet I know that is exactly what it looks like, it usually just seems like the thing to do at the time.

Right now I am stuck in a cycle of wanting something that I not only can't have, but shouldn't want to have in the first place. This dilemma has caused much distress in my marriage and has brought it to the brink of ending it completely.

Closure

Ah, that word again ~ closure. Something I completely suck at because I have no idea what closure means to me, specifically. It'll just be another relationship that I can say I never had "closure" on and ache forever because of it.

Many years ago, when I was a junior in high school, I met a cop from the community from which I worked. We were just friends for a very long time before we became something much more. It was something that happened naturally and it was something that I truly wanted at that time. Something I was given in that relationship was brutally taken away and, to this very day, it haunts the hell out of me. I need closure.

What I have always wanted to know from him was why he never called after I was put in that position and why he didn't stay for the fallout. Those aren't the only questions I have for him. Having my many questions answered, in this case, means closure for me. It's difficult to say whether or not it would be complete closure, I would just like the opportunity to find out.

There is one other person I had a relationship with that, if given the opportunity, I would like to ask questions of and maybe find...yep...closure.

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One of my biggest detriments is that I feel emotions at such a deep, deep level, yet I am not able to compartmentalize them. I feel that if I could compartmentalize them, especially past relationships, not just men but relationships with a few of my family members, too, then I would be able to close those chapters for good.

Instead, I walk around with all these emotions (some that go back many, many, MANY years) piled one on top of the other and, combined, they emit a buzzing sound inside my head. I'm very certain this is the one of the major reasons I have so much trouble sleeping ~ or at least turning off my brain on command. I really don't want to be a walking bundle of emotions. It saps so much of my energy. On the other hand, were it not for my emotional experiences, I would not be able to do what I do now for a living.

For example, today I had a patient with congestive heart failure, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and several other ailments that, combined, make it nearly impossible for her to breathe properly.

This patient, Bella, has been in to see us every week for the past several weeks with one goal in mind: to be able to take a deep, cleansing breath. While doing her intake today, before the doctor came to examine her, she made a statement ~ “I’m at the end of my rope…” ~ and that resonated with me. I was able to draw from my own (recent and ongoing!) personal health issues and understand exactly what she meant.

I didn’t do what many people do and say “I know how you feel; I’ve been there”. I knew actions would speak louder than words so I just wrapped my arms around her and held her while she cried on my scrubs.

My vast emotional experiences allow me to empathize on a much deeper level with my patients. Unfortunately (or is that fortunately?) my emotional experiences with my patients adds to my emotional experiences heap and the buzzing in my head continues.

Sheesh…

If only I could insert a memory card and do an emotional dump…