Random Thoughts

It seems I always think of things to write about when I am not anywhere near my laptop to actually write it down.

For instance today, at work, I was drawing up a flu vaccine when I started thinking about where I've been and where I am now. Kind of abstract, for the most part. As today progressed I zeroed in on more specific things.

Allow me to finish the following sentence:

"I never thought that..."

• ...that I would go back to school and I would finally be living a dream of working in health care.
• ...depression would wrap its chains around me so tightly and drag me so far into the darkness that I would survive more than one suicide attempt.
• ...that I would ever, in a zillion years, bury one of my children.
• ...I would have 11 Electro Convulsive Therapies. Nor did it occur to me the vastness of my memory loss because of them.
• ...my marriage would ever feel less than completely secure and that the turmoil currently surrounding it could be the end of it.
• ...I would be creating my own chaos. Again.
• ...my health, not my mental health, my physical health, would become so problematic and wrought with drama.
• ...Connor would still be so far away.
• ...my niece, Dayna, and I would become so close that I consider her one of my best friends, and like the daughter I never had, and have a daughter of her own that I feel like a grandmother to.

I look at where I've been and I look at where I am now and it boggles my mind that I'm still standing. I have these moments ~ a lot lately, it seems ~ where I feel like an outsider peering into my own life and the only reaction I can muster is to shake my head in disbelief. It's *that* mind-boggling.

Right now it's close to 1:30 a.m. and although I am tired as tired can be, I don't want to go to sleep. I have this overwhelming feeling that if I take time to sleep I might miss something important. Yeah, it sounds silly, but it's how I've been feeling for a very long time now. (The saying "you can sleep when you're dead" just popped into my head.)

My thoughts surf all over the place. All the time. As much as I try to, I cannot shut my brain off and I wake up feeling like I fought an army all by myself.

On the other hand, there are many nights that I want to go to sleep and absolutely never wake up. Thoughts of suicide are always rambling around in my brain, even though I don't speak about them. It's that "sleeping when you're dead" thing. I am 100% certain that a dirt nap will stop the whirling-twirling-spinning thoughts in my head once and for all.

Once and for all.

Dayna and Haleigha Kelis

For the past several months I have had an opportunity to get reacquainted with my very first niece, Dayna, and it has made a huge difference in my life.

Dayna was born 10 days before my 18th birthday (in 1985) and I fell in love with her immediately. My sister, Dayna's mother, is 14 months younger than I am and we have always had a somewhat tempestuous relationship.

Most of the time I have had to keep my distance from my sister in an effort to maintain my own sanity and, because of that, there have been great periods of time where I have not seen Dayna or her siblings Jessica (18) and Jason (15) in order to establish and maintain relationships with each of them.

I don't recall the circumstances at the time but Dayna reached out to me and since then we have become amazingly close.

My sister, Penny, was 16 years old when Dayna was born more than 23 years ago. My hope back then was to do everything I could to become a substantial role-model for Dayna as she grew up and to be a consistent presence in her life. That worked well for about the first three or four years of Dayna's life and we spent a lot of time together. She kind of became my sidekick.

When I became pregnant with my first son, Matthew, in late 1988 my focus naturally shifted to raising my son and working nights to keep a roof over our heads. Although Dayna and I were still able to spend time together, it was not as much as before because my relationship with her mother was disintegrating (again) and we began drifting apart.

I won't bore you with all the details in between then and now because that's not the purpose of this post. The purpose of this post is to tell you what a phenomenal woman my niece is. She's beautiful, smart, funny and, now, the most incredible mommy I know. The most incredible "single" mommy I know, too.

On January 29, 2008 Dayna brought itty-bitty Haleigha Kelis into this world and because I was standing outside the delivery room doors, I got to hear her very first cries.

Because Dayna had had to have a cesarean section she was given a very brief introduction to her daughter before they took her to the nursery to clean her up while the doctor's finished up with her.

I was standing near Dayna in the recovery room when they brought Haleigha to her and was able to see the look on Dayna's face when they placed Haleigha in her arms.

My sister quietly said to her daughter "You're in love aren't you?" Dayna was so overwhelmed with awe that all she could manage was a nod of her head as she stared down at her perfectly tiny baby girl in her arms.

So, getting to know my "adult" niece Dayna and watching her raise her amazing daughter these past few months has been really, really good for my soul.

Thanks, 'nayners, for reaching out to me all those months ago and for allowing Uncle Henry and me to spoil you and Haleigha positively rotten!

I love you both!

P.S. Haleigha means "house of the rising sun" and Kelis means "beautiful".