Health Issues ~ Old and New

I had hoped that my health issues of the past would not move forward into the present ~ yet they have.

In addition to the hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism making their comebacks, and the need for a second surgery in the wings, I am also having "female" issues that in order to resolve, will require surgery and a complete hysterectomy.

I have prided myself thus far by keeping my blogging clean. However, in this situation only one word could possibly describe the recent events regarding my health.

F.U.C.K.!

Random Thoughts

It seems I always think of things to write about when I am not anywhere near my laptop to actually write it down.

For instance today, at work, I was drawing up a flu vaccine when I started thinking about where I've been and where I am now. Kind of abstract, for the most part. As today progressed I zeroed in on more specific things.

Allow me to finish the following sentence:

"I never thought that..."

• ...that I would go back to school and I would finally be living a dream of working in health care.
• ...depression would wrap its chains around me so tightly and drag me so far into the darkness that I would survive more than one suicide attempt.
• ...that I would ever, in a zillion years, bury one of my children.
• ...I would have 11 Electro Convulsive Therapies. Nor did it occur to me the vastness of my memory loss because of them.
• ...my marriage would ever feel less than completely secure and that the turmoil currently surrounding it could be the end of it.
• ...I would be creating my own chaos. Again.
• ...my health, not my mental health, my physical health, would become so problematic and wrought with drama.
• ...Connor would still be so far away.
• ...my niece, Dayna, and I would become so close that I consider her one of my best friends, and like the daughter I never had, and have a daughter of her own that I feel like a grandmother to.

I look at where I've been and I look at where I am now and it boggles my mind that I'm still standing. I have these moments ~ a lot lately, it seems ~ where I feel like an outsider peering into my own life and the only reaction I can muster is to shake my head in disbelief. It's *that* mind-boggling.

Right now it's close to 1:30 a.m. and although I am tired as tired can be, I don't want to go to sleep. I have this overwhelming feeling that if I take time to sleep I might miss something important. Yeah, it sounds silly, but it's how I've been feeling for a very long time now. (The saying "you can sleep when you're dead" just popped into my head.)

My thoughts surf all over the place. All the time. As much as I try to, I cannot shut my brain off and I wake up feeling like I fought an army all by myself.

On the other hand, there are many nights that I want to go to sleep and absolutely never wake up. Thoughts of suicide are always rambling around in my brain, even though I don't speak about them. It's that "sleeping when you're dead" thing. I am 100% certain that a dirt nap will stop the whirling-twirling-spinning thoughts in my head once and for all.

Once and for all.