Eternity

There is a box
upon a shelf
I open once a year
It holds the memories
Of a little boy
I keep it all in here.

A September day
So long ago
It feels like yesterday
In my arms
I held you close
Before you went away.

A Mother's love
Goes on and on
A stranger said to me
He's in your heart
That's where he'll stay
For all eternity.

Alexander Lee
September 13, 1995

Sorry, not sorry

Two weeks ago I took it upon myself to tell Miss*, a friend of Matthew's, what was going on.

I knew it would be a long while before he opened up to her, if at all, and it is something he couldn't talk about with her via telephone or visits to the jail because of constant monitoring, and it was something she needed to know NOW.

Not later.

Matthew talked with Miss* tonight and, while he is rightfully angry at me, and I'm sorry that he is, I don't at all regret telling her.

Because, in the end, Miss* didn't abandon him and, for Matthew, that's a good thing.

Whether he realizes it or not.

*Not her real name

Defeated

In his voice
Defeat is thick
Sadness is raw
Choosing words
Doesn't matter
It is what it is.

Mother's love
Falls at his feet
He turns around
She follows
Don't go, she begs
Don't give in.

He walks faster
She runs
He falls
She reaches for him
He slips away
She screams.

On the edge
She cries
With empty arms
Falling, she prays
Together.

The Talk

In a few days I will step on a plane and, at the other end, break two hearts wide open - and my Dad and stepmom have no idea that this is coming.

How do I tell my Dad about his grandson being in jail, for now, and later, prison? How do I tell him what my son has done to wind up there when I haven't been able to wrap my own brain around it?

I will stand by my son, regardless of what he's done, because, well, he's my son, and I love him. I. Love. My. Son.

I don't care what people think about my choice to be there for my him, to make sure he gets the help he needs, to love him through the darkness.

My dad, on the other hand...only God knows...

Nightmares

I'm drunk. I'm trying to block out the Hell I have recently been dropped into. A Hell that I never thought one of my boys could push me into. Yet, here I am.

What does a mother do when she finds out one of her boys is accused of/jailed for Criminal Sexual Conduct in the 1st degree?

I'm numb, not because I'm drunk,  because I cannot wrap my brain around charges like this being slapped onto one of my boys.

"One breath at a time", Carrie. "One breath at a time".

I can't breathe. My heart is shattered.  My faith is shaken.

Please, God, I cannot do this alone. My son cannot do this alone.